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Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

Author: toni

~ 09/08/10


  Apparently I missed Mr. Blackwell’s latest memo because I had no idea that Underoos were now considered appropriate attire for Disneyland.

Yep. We were standing in line at the Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters ride last weekend and there, right next to us, was a LITTLE BOY wearing nothing but a shirt and his underpants!    

No, he wasn’t a toddler in a diaper (which I also personally think is inappropriate).  This kid was apparently big enough to walk, talk, demand funnel cake and go to the bathroom by himself. And here he was going from attraction to attraction in his underwear!  I don’t care that they were Disney-themed with little Mickey Mouses on them. That doesn’t make it okay! Think about the hygiene implications here! To make matters worse, these underpants were even the kind with the little  door for easy access to his boy parts for peeing and  “what-not”. And as he jumped around and jiggled and jaggled in line as impatient children are wont to do, his boys parts more than once made an appearance. Not only that, there was also some serious “what-not” going on too as he repeatedly stuck his hand in the trap door and then handled the handrail. The only thing missing in this scene was a recliner and Bud Light!  

I mean, it’s bad enough kids pick their noses and touch everything in sight, now I have to see them fondling their wankees and touching the same handrail as me and my kid!

I can only assume that his parents allowed him to dress like this for the sake of convenience. After all, those lines at the bathroom can be sooooo long. This way he could whip it out whenever he liked and easily relieve himself  on the patch of pansies arranged in the shape of Minnie’s head or in Snow White’s wishing well. 

          “One day my prince will come!” 

Sorry Snow White. This kid ain’t gonna be him.

On the other hand, thanks to his mom, he should have no trouble pledging a fraternity when the time comes.

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Author: toni

~ 08/19/10


When I was a kid whenever we misbehaved we were treated to the belt or the spoon, depending on if the punisher was our dad or our mom. (My mom’s Italian so a wooden spoon was a natural extension of her arm and therefore a logical – and handy – correctional tool).  Back then, corporal punishment was considered acceptable. And though parents didn’t make it a habit, the occasional smack in public was also deemed OK.

In fact, if you saw a kid get hit in public, your parents would give you the “see, that’s what happens when you misbehave” look and you were suddenly on your best behavior knowing you could easily be next. Fear of pain that is coupled with public humiliation is a strong motivator to be good.

In fact, I knew parents who took corporal punishment so much to heart that they made their kid wear a paddle on a string around his neck. And the paddle said, “If I misbehave, spank me.”  I kid you not. Yeah, okay. That was weird even for back then. Even my parents thought so and forbade us ever to use the paddle on the boy…else they’d spank us.  But did anyone call Child Protective Services? Nope, because everyone believed that discipline was the domain of the parents, however they saw fit to do it.

Nowadays, that kid would be a target of a child welfare visit so fast it would make your head spin.

While I’m sure there are still parents out there who believe the occasional swat on the behind doesn’t hurt (the child’s psyche anyway) most of them would never in a million years do it in public for all to see and judge and get them into enough trouble that they’d have to cash out their 401k’s to retain a criminal defense attorney. Nope, I would go so far as to say that most parents who still believe in corporal punishment, engage in it secretly, behind closed doors.  

Generally, parents who believe in spanking have been driven into the dark recesses of the family room, plantation shutters firmly shut. The spanking backlash brought on by countless studies and articles on child rearing has created a nation of closet swatters. (Well, except for that frazzled mom by the BBQ place at Disneyland two weekends ago. But then, given the frustration-inducing crowds sometimes encountered at “the happiest place on Earth”, I’m surprised I didn’t see more parents laying hands upon their kids.)

Anyway, recently one of these closet swatters stepped boldly out into the open. Or as open as an enclosed plane full of passengers and crew can be.  And she even made the news!

A Georgia woman on a Southwest Airlines flight from Texas apparently slapped her 13 month-old daughter when she wouldn’t stop crying.  This resulted in police being called when the plane landed in Albuquerque. The parents were detained and questioned before finally being released with their child and boarding another flight.

Okay. I know how I feel about smacking a baby in the face. NEVER. And I won’t even start ranting about the logic, or lack thereof, that went into determining this was the best course of action to get a baby to stop crying.  

Also,  I’m a proponent of  “when in doubt, err on the side of caution” especially where a child’s welfare is concerned and I, too, probably would have called authorities on this mother.

Still, I have to wonder…

Have we gone overboard in our radical responses to the occasional public swat? Is it our right as parents, albeit absolute strangers, to call out these swatting parents for what they are doing to their kid, as I have actually seen done MANY TIMES! Is it reasonable to call the authorities about it? Or detain an entire flight? And at what point does that seem a necessary move? Where is the line? Is it one of age of the child? Of degree of spanking? Or the kind of spanking? Or is it never, absolutely under no circumstances, ever okay to spank your kid in public or elsewhere?

What do you think?  OKAY OR NO WAY?

Meanwhile,  if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for a scheduled tête-à-tête over juice and crackers with my eight year-old to rationally discuss (all the while avoiding any “you” messages which can be damaging and ineffectual) appropriate and acceptable ways of expressing disdain for mommy’s rules.

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Author: toni

~ 06/25/10


I gotta hand it to Walmart. Despite all the bad press they get for doing things like forcing their employees to work through their breaks and making them vote for candidates the company supports, they DO take their ROLLBACKS seriously.

Case in point, just the other day a couple of WOMEN SHOPPERS at a Walmart in Salinas, California were offered a 6 month old baby for $25 dollars! Yeah, you read that right. And I know what you’re thinking. WHAT A BARGAIN, right?  I mean, adopting a baby nowadays costs at least $25,000 –  $45,000 if you buy it on the black market.

Get this. The women turned the baby down!  I KNOW! Crazy, huh? I mean $25 dollars for a perfectly good baby – WITHOUT the hassle of stretchmarks, labor pains or plugged ducts?!

But they were honorable women and knew that there was something wrong with the scenario given that the baby was just too cheap and that the seller said he was its father. Yeah, that’s right. The baby’s FATHER!

Why would a father sell his baby and how on earth did he arrive at this amount? If you guessed that is was EXACTLY the going rate for enough low grade meth to provide a quick but dirty high, you’d be right.

The women called police and the police went to the guy’s house where they arrested him and the BABY’S MAMMA (pictured right). Yes, you can tell by her lovely complexion that she, too, likes her some crystal meth.  And guess what, she gave her baby a taste for it too, because she was breastfeeding while she was high. Lovely.  The baby is in protective custody. 

Okay. Technically Walmart can’t be blamed or take the credit for this amazing baby discount. Because technically, it happened OUTSIDE the Walmart. And the salesperson wasn’t an AARP member wearing a blue vest. But you gotta admit, it’s further proof that  Walmart’s the place to go if you want the absolute cheapest prices on ANYTHING!  

Know what else it’s further proof of? That most some people SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO HAVE CHILDREN!

I sincerely hope that baby gets the chance it deserves. Although the deck is pretty stacked against it. Sigh.

Okay that’s all I have to say. I’ll spare you my RANT on forced sterilization because, you know, it’s not PC. And I can’t deal with hate emails today.  Today, not a good day.

Just love your children. They’re a gift. Enjoy every moment you have with them because it goes by so quickly.

I LOVE YOU JULIA! With all my heart.

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Author: toni

~ 06/14/10

I was going to do a post today about the hidden horrors of orthodontia…to the parent. However, my attention has been drawn to yet another horrific example that has popped up this week of bad parenting.

I don’t know if you’ve seen this video that’s going around of the 2 year-old INDONESIAN BOY with a 2 pack a day smoking habit, but if you haven’t you should take a gander.


I mean, did you see that kid? The leather jacket, the way he flicks that cigarette around. What is he? The reincarnation of Charles Bukowski or something? The last time I’ve seen that kind of behavior  it was 50ish and sitting next to me at a blackjack table in Vegas.

And the toddler lights his own cigarettes. Julia’s 8 and I still won’t let her handle fire! I’m pretty sure Child Protective Services would be against it too. Apparently they don’t have that agency where this kid lives.

And his dad thinks he’s healthy?! Is he kidding? If the lung cancer doesn’t get the kid, the obesity will. And the whole thing about the dad not being able to take the cigarettes from him because he’s pitches a terrible tantrum. Well, I DO remember the nightmare it was taking the bottle away from Julia. Yikes! Toddlers CAN be terrifying. BUT YOU’RE THE PARENT! TAKE SOME FREAKING RESPONSIBILITY!

Then again, maybe the cigarette smoking is the least of the kid’s problems. Because if you look closely at the end of the video when he’s settling down for his afternoon nap with his ba-ba after a long morning of chain smoking – I’m pretty sure that’s a GUN that other little kid is waving around his head.

What a tragedy. What idiot parents.

Well, next time you’re being eaten away by rot-gut guilt over the fact that your kid didn’t eat a green veggie all day, or that you’re two weeks behind on their annual well child checkup, remember that at least you’re not spending their college education on cigarettes … for them! And at least that  checkup won’t have to include a chest X-ray screening for lung cancer.

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Author: toni

~ 06/11/10

First let me say that I’m glad this ended well. And by well I mean a rescue mission that cost somebody (probably me and you) millions of dollars instead of a recovery mission that cost somebody (probably me and you) millions of dollars AND ended up with the loss of a young girl’s life.

If you haven’t been following the news, Southern California teen Abby Sunderland (16) was on a solo trip to sail around the world (i.e., break the world’s record which her brother held until some foreign chick took it away from him thus ticking her parents off). And well, she went missing when she lost radio contact in a really bad storm on the Indian Ocean four hundred miles from the nearest land.

ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME?! My kid Julia’s going to be lucky if I let her drive down to the 7-Eleven to grab a Slushee by herself let alone go out on the open ocean for months alone in a boat. In fact, I can guarantee she will definitely not be allowed to get the  slushee. That thing’s nothing but sugar and crap.

But a kid, on a boat, in the middle of an ocean. I just want to say SHAME ON HER PARENTS.

Sure I’m like the next proud parent.  I want my kid to excel and succeed and stand out in the crowd. But you know what’s more important? Seeing them live into adulthood and realize their full potential as human beings and, yes, give me grandkids I can spoil with those ice cream bars with chocolate and nuts on them (provided they don’t have nut allergies which, who knows these days).

I mean seriously, it is a parent’s job to JUST SAY NO! At least until a kid is of legal (and hopefully mature) age to make decisions about their own life.

You cannot tell me that Abby at 16 has the maturity to decide to risk her life on such an endeavor. I mean, think about it. When you were 16 how in touch with the realities of the world were you? Didn’t you feel immortal, invincible, like you were gonna live forever? Yes, I’m saying she did not have the proper (and healthy) amount of fear and caution to weigh the risks. Therefore, it was her parents’ job to do it for her.

But NOOOOOO. They wanted to let their kid ” go for her dream”. And whose dream really was it? And where did she get that dream? I mean, apparently they let her take this trip during the worst weather time of the year on the Indian Ocean (winter storm season). Know why? Because if she didn’t, she would have turned 17 in a couple of months and not broken the record.

THAT IS  INSANITY! I’m sorry. Actually, I’m not sorry. I’m MAD! Because parents need to treasure and protect their children. And if that means hiring a prom bus to make sure they don’t get into any hanky panky or dangerous situations on prom night, YOU DO IT! Actually the prom bus was an idea that came to Randy the perfekt husband in a dream just after Julia was born. And, much to her one-day dismay, he’s sticking to it.

I’m really hoping that Abby and more importantly, her parents, have learned a lesson from this.  But why do I have this nagging feeling that we haven’t seen the last of Abby’s Adventures on the High Seas.

Where’s Child Protective Services when you need them?

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Author: toni

~ 05/21/10

As a mom, I feel guilty about lots of things. I feel guilty about my lack of patience, about the time I don’t spend with my kid because I’m working, about the fact that I haven’t told her that the dancing light on the headliner of the car is coming from my ring and is NOT a special communication to her from her fairy friend Bettina.

Know what I DON’T feel guilty about? That I haven’t taught my daughter to take apart and reassemble an assault rifle in record time.

I watch the following video and think, if her dad really wanted her to do something in record time, couldn’t he have taught her how to frame a house for Habitat for Humanity or something?

I’m not sure what purpose this talent will serve. You know, unless her name is Sarah Connor and Cyberdyne Systems has finally gotten its hands on that revolutionary new microprocessor that will form the basis for Skynet.


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