Welcome to movie math where we take a look at a movie and see if it adds up to family fun.  

Disney’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (Live Action)

If the goal when you’re forking over the big bucks it costs these days to go to a movie ($40 bucks for 3 people?! What the what the?!) is that your kid comes away happy – then this film fits the bill.

Clearly  hoping to tap into the wizarding frenzy created by the Harry Potter movies as well as to strike the same box office gold they struck by turning their  Pirates of The Caribbean ride into a movie - Disney has based this live-action tale on The Sorcerer’s Apprentice segment of their classic antimated film Fantasia. Don’t know if that’ll help though, since most people don’t even remember it.  Anyway, aside from a little dancing mop sequence that’s out of the original film, this film’s pretty much its own entity.

It’s a story about NYU physics major DAVE (Jay Baruchel) who has no idea that he is a blood descendant of the wizard Merlin until the day his wizard mentor BALTHAZAR (Nicholas Cage) shows up to give him some lessons. Of course it’s not that straightforward because well, then there wouldn’t be drama and that’s booooring. So enter HORVATH (Alfred Molina) who wants to destroy the human world and in order to do that must release the evil MORGANA from a set of nesting dolls in which she has been trapped since around, oh,  760 AD. Did I mention that the love of Balthazar’s life is also trapped in there? Did I also mention that Horvath thinks Dave knows where the nesting dolls are or that he has a wizard sidekick who uses his magical gifts to sell himself as a CRISS ANGEL type magician? No? Well, none of it really matters anyway. Cuz in the end it’s just an excuse for a lot of wild chases, exploding electricity balls, fiery dragons and action that’s more CGI than mystical or magical. Which is where I should mention that this is a Jerry Bruckheimer film.  Yep. ‘Splains a lot, Lucy.

There’s the requisite  romance subplot which, while not very well developed, does serve to  prove to geeky boys that they can still get the pretty girl if they’re super smart and can force Tesla Rays to make music. So if you’re the mom of a boy who can’t catch a baseball to save his life but can  recreate the Parthenon with Legos, this is a good movie for you…and him.  Obviously for girls too because my 8 year-old daughter not only laughed a lot during the film,  she also pronounced as the credits rolled “I’m going to tell all my friends to see this!”  Click to Buy Tickets Now at Fandango.

MINIMAL STORY + COOL SPECIAL EFFECTS = FAIR SUMMERTIME FARE

Let’s face it. Something happens when we become parents. No, not a greater sense of responsibility… we lose our COOL. Not temper-wise, although that happens too, especially during those “terrible twos” years. I mean cool as in hip, fly, da bomb (I think that’s what I mean anyway. I’m not so good with those slang words).

Yep, once you become a parent gone are the free-stylin’ days when you can stay up until 1 am seeing an Art House movie and sipping a late latte while discussing the meaning of all those weird angles the director used. There’s no more sleeping in on Sunday mornings then rolling out bed whenever you darn well feel like it and heading  (with full-on bed head and maaaaaaaaybe even a little “morning after” glow) to the local trendy breakfast place where they use cheeses from goats on your omelette and put a french press ON YOUR TABLE! Oh yeah baby. Those were the days.

One of the biggest changes. Trading that sporty little two door Accord for a MINI VAN!

Yeah, I have some friends who are still hold-outs. Fearing that they will lose their last drop of cool (I’m talking about you Johanna) they opt instead for the SUV in which to cram their multiple kids. But let’s face it. Those MINIVANS have some serious  allure. Not the least of which is the fact that, because of their sliding doors, you don’t have to worry that your kid’s gonna SWING OPEN the car door into the $50,000 BMW next to you – in which case you either have to leave a note while calculating how much that $12,000 ding is gonna raise your insurance rates OR re-park  REALLY FAST.

Anyway, Toyota has embraced the dorkiness that is parenthood. And they have made a really funny RAP MUSIC VIDEO for their Sienna Mini Van (aka THE SWAGGER WAGON). I thought I’d share it with you because, well, you’ll GET IT.

Thanks MAMMAKAZE Nancy for sending it.

Oh, and Kevin and Janet. Hope you’re paying attention.

Posting will be sporadic for the next few days as I work on the creation of my GREETING CARD SHOP.   

Yep, all that snarky sarcasm you enjoy for free will be available for purchase (at a reasonable price) for you to share with your friends. We’ll have cards on topics like:

 FERTILITY, BREASTFEEDING, FRIENDSHIP, MOMMY GUILT, BAD MARRIAGES/RELATIONSHIPS,

WEIGHT LOSS, BODY IMAGE, etc.

So if you’re looking for Hallmark style cards with cute puppies on the front and sweetsie little  poems inside  this will NOT be the place to come. However, if you’re looking for something with a little edge, a little humor and a lot of sarcasm, Mammakaze will provide. Also in the offing – T-shirts and caps!

Meanwhile, may we suggest you re-read some of our favorite posts. They can be found on the left side under FEATURED POSTS.  Or take the time to browse through CATEGORIES and see what we’ve offered up in the past.  Snark at you soon!

Check out this kid whose talent show performance is a web sensation.

Wowsa. Can anyone say INNATE TALENT?  Only three years of piano lessons and no singing lessons.

GREYSON MICHAEL CHANCE performs Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi”

Still haven’t figured out what to get the mom in your life for Mother’s Day? Well, get on the ball, why don’t you? It’s this Sunday!

Meanwhile, why don’t you send out a “personalized” video. Yes, the folks at MomsRising.org (a worthwhile organization by the way) and CNNBC, who were behind the personalized Mother of the Year videos last year, have created another REALLY COOL video in time for Mother’s Day.

Here’s what you do:

CLICK ON THIS LINK.  It will take you to their website (you can see a sample video).

Type in the Name and E-Mail Address of the Mom(s) of Your Choice

They will then forward a personalized video featuring that mom’s name.

It’s very funny and fun.  And the moms in your life will LOVE IT!

But DON’T think it’ll replace flowers or jewelry or a spa weekend. I mean come on! Get it together people. Let’s see some effort here!

Oh. And have a lovely Mother’s Day.

Before my guy readers out there complain about this list, please note that it was sent in by a guy reader.

As a woman, I thought it was kind of amusing in the way that things that have more than a kernel of truth tend to be. The author is anonymous but I guess I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that it was a woman. Because, you know, it’s insightful and sarcastic in the way that only women tend to be.

WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER THAN WOMEN

• You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
• Your last name stays put.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
• One mood all the time.
• A five-day vacation only requires one suitcase.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• And finally, you can be President.

There you have it. The list left off the obvious like, no PMS, no menstrual cramps, no labor pains, and no body-altering pregnancies. And then there’s the whole “no responsibility for birth control” thing. Oh and the fact that men seem immune to the feelings of angst and guilt over having to choose between work and family and being spread so thin that you feel you’re failing miserably at both. And, oh, yeah. Those mini pads with wings. I mean, if you don’t put them on exactly right, when you take them off it’s kind of like ripping a bandage off a hairy arm, if you get my meaning. OUCH!