I’ve seen a lot of disgusting stuff in my 8 years as a mommy. I have seen pea-chunked puke and curdled milk  drool. I’ve seen poop that defied gravity and actually made it’s way UP and OUT of the diaper of an upright toddler. I’ve seen vomit SHOOT out of a mouth and HIT a curtain 10 feet across a room with the velocity of something created for the military by Lockheed Martin.

And you know what? As mommies we expect that. Well, if it’s our first child, we don’t. But we quickly learn that “gross” and “disgusting” come with the territory. And we accept it because, well, what else are we gonna do? Give the kid back? Hire a nanny like Uma? Have daddy deal with it? Yeah, right.

So we do our duty and we clean it up. No matter how stomach-churning. No matter that the scene might look like something that Crime Scene Clean Up would gag at. Because, well, it’s our job.

Somehow, however, in my naivete, I assumed most of the grossness would disappear after the potty training stage ended. But it doesn’t end. It just…changes.

Case in point. Recently, my kid got a T-Rex. No, not the dinosaur brought back to life by brilliant scientists with God complexes. A palate expander put into the roof of her mouth by her orthodontist.

Turns out she has a narrow palate and crossbite (thanks Grandpa!)  and they need to widen it so that her permanent teeth have room to come in straight.  This is one of those advancements that they have made since our childhood that has made our kids’ childhoods so much better than ours. You know, like TV remotes and video games that have 3-D exploding zombies instead of little white balls PINGING back and forth. I mean, if you can call watching entrails fly and sitting on your ass instead of getting up to change the channel, progress.

Anyway, in the old days, they’d wait until kids were in their teens (and  at their most emotionally vulnerable and self-conscious) to stuff them with a mouth full of metal. And because by that age their palates were set in bone, they’d have to pull healthy teeth to make room and then begin the years-long process of moving the remaining teeth into the gaps  so that they would be straight. In some cases there was also headgear that made the stuff they used to “inquisite” during the INQUISITION look like sand box toys.

Today, they have discovered that the palate is still cartilage when they’re young. And so they use the T-Rex to  slowly spread it to make it wider and then, VOILA, plenty of room for healthy teeth to come in. No pulling. And no mortification because when kids are 8 they actually think braces are COOOOL. Also, they don’t care what the opposite sex thinks, as long as they stay far enough away so as not to contract COOTIES.

Anyway, Julia has had the appliance for two weeks. And other than the first two days of minor discomfort, it has been a breeze, pain-wise. Cleaning wise, not so much.

Because that thing is DISGUSTING! Now the orthodontist did not explain why they call it the T-Rex, but I’m convinced it’s because it consumes everything that comes its way. Turkey, beef, edamame, couscous, bread…You name it, that thing grabs it and makes it its own.

And brushing doesn’t do it. No siree. The only way to get that T-Rex to give up its prey is high water pressure. Hence the purchase of a waterpik. But Julia and I  had no experience with a waterpik. And although I fairly quickly mastered the steady hand and aim, Julia didn’t quite catch on to the concept of keeping her mouth shut while I was pressing the ”ON” button.

So in the last two weeks I have gotten face fulls  (and yes, even mouthfuls) of backsplash and backwash. Ew. My glasses have been speckled with food spray.  My hair has been drenched in spit water. And once, I looked in the mirror to find a RAMEN NOODLE ON MY CHEEK. Yeah, that’s right.

Did I gag? Did I throw up? Did I throw down that waterpik, say forget it,  and advise Julia that she should just enjoy her mini-snacks as they appeared randomly in her mouth later in the day? Nope. I kept on pik-ing. Because I am a mother. And that’s what mother’s do.

Yes, I have freed much captured  foodage in the last two weeks. So much so that I am wondering if she is getting any nutrition at all. But she’s not losing weight so I’m not worrying…too much.

Meanwhile, Julia and I have BOTH learned to keep our mouths shut during the process. Usually. Sometimes, anyway. And as much as it grosses me out to do this, I have learned to let go of that obstinate piece of food and let it’s find its own way to freedom. And usually it does.

I have also learned that the gross part of being a mommy never seems to end. I can’t imagine what the future has in store for me. Perhaps some late nights sitting on cold porcelain tile brushing the hair off a clammy face that is vomiting into a toilet as a result of a flu or, worse, an illegal beverage or three at a high school party.

I don’t know. I DO KNOW that I’ll do it. Without complaint. Because she’s my kid. And I love her. ‘Nuff said.

Still haven’t figured out what to get the mom in your life for Mother’s Day? Well, get on the ball, why don’t you? It’s this Sunday!

Meanwhile, why don’t you send out a “personalized” video. Yes, the folks at MomsRising.org (a worthwhile organization by the way) and CNNBC, who were behind the personalized Mother of the Year videos last year, have created another REALLY COOL video in time for Mother’s Day.

Here’s what you do:

CLICK ON THIS LINK.  It will take you to their website (you can see a sample video).

Type in the Name and E-Mail Address of the Mom(s) of Your Choice

They will then forward a personalized video featuring that mom’s name.

It’s very funny and fun.  And the moms in your life will LOVE IT!

But DON’T think it’ll replace flowers or jewelry or a spa weekend. I mean come on! Get it together people. Let’s see some effort here!

Oh. And have a lovely Mother’s Day.

Here at MAMMAKAZE we’re all about helping marriages (in addition to getting you over all that mommy guilt you’re carrying and providing yummy recipes for cocktails).

So check out the following ad for a marriage saving blanket. I’m not sure who invented it. I suspect those guys who created that amazing Snuggie, or the Chia Pet.

Now I’m not pointing fingers. I definitely don’t think it’s always the men who have this problem. I’m just sayin’, if you do, and that BEANO isn’t working, might want to invest in one of these babies.

Now if only there was something that would eradicate snoring. And blanket hogging.  Oh and ESPN. Can anyone do anything about THAT? Surely there’s a guy at a Radio Shack somewhere who has the perfect inexpensive solution. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

I don’t know about you, but I am always looking for fun things to entertain my kid. And if it can be a learning experience, all the better.

So when MAMMAKAZE Bruce sent in this little physiological bit, I showed it to Julia. Well, it passed the kid test and she was sooo delighted. And it has since delighted several of her friends. Also, it frustrated her dad who was determined to overcome the wiring of his brain but wasn’t able to.

Let’s see if you can. So, try this. It takes 2 seconds and it is absolutely true. It is from an orthopedic surgeon.   

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

1. While sitting in a chair, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number ’6′ in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction! 

Isn’t that crazy? Apparently, there are some things that the brain cannot handle.  You know, besides the clearance shoe rack at Macy’s and the steady application of eyeliner.

Okay. Actually it’s been sporadic for a couple of weeks now. But I’ve had a lot going on. And by that I mean I finally put a bulletin board up in my office and posted TO DO LISTS (three to be precise) so that I could SEE all the things I keep forgetting to do.

Big mistake, because now that I see it constantly, I am compelled to actually accomplish things so I can mark them off. Also now Randy the Perfekt husband sees the lists too… and while he doesn’t actually SAY anything about my accomplishments or lack thereof, I am one of those people who reads into everything AND nothing and always make SOMETHING out of it.

So even though I don’t actually know what he’s thinking, I’m making up his thoughts in my own mind. And they always include things like, “What the heck does she DO all day?”

So… driven by a sense of accomplishment or guilt or both, I have been frantically crossing things off my list.

In the last two weeks I have:  

• completely cleaned and refurbished our grill
• re-caulked all 7 sinks in the house
• re-stacked several hundred pavers so critters can’t get behind them
• planted stella d’oros in the front
• planted the herb pot I got for Christmas from my sister-in-law
• fertilized the grass
• had the back shutters painted
• had the garage door fixed
• researched, interviewed and chose an orthodontist for Julia
• dealt with various health insurance issues (‘nuf said)
• re-stained 3 kitchen cabinets
• planned our next two vacations
• AND prepped for and completed our tax appointment – that’s right – it’s DONE, baby!

Notice anything missing from that list of accomplishments? Yep, anything to do with MAMMAKAZE!  And lemme tell you, that is one long list!

It’s a Catch 22, this website thing. On the one hand if I made a lot of any  money doing it I likely wouldn’t put it on the back burner. But I’ll never make more money on it if I DO put it on the back burner.

But then again, I have all these other responsibilities as a mom to Julia too, like helping with projects and talent shows and drying her hair after a shower (it takes 45 minutes!) and just being there when she’s had a stinky day or a bad dream.

And then there’s the whole being a wife thing. I AM in a relationship after all, which Randy the Perfekt husband occasionally reminds me in the midst of my list-making. And that entails some effort too — and the occasional pair of frilly undies.

And don’t forget DAMAGES. I have carve out some time to watch Damages. Oh and MODERN FAMILY…. and….

See, this is why I always feel guilty… and my toenails always look so shabby. Too many balls in the air and not enough hands. And I was never good at juggling to begin with.

The point of all this? MAMMAKAZE’s one year anniversary is coming up and I am vowing to kick it into gear. Monday, first thing. Well, right after I do the laundry and grocery shopping for the week. And also, I have to get that oil change on the car. But right sometime after that.

I remember a moment, within the first 24 hours that I brought Julia home.  She was crying and crying. I had no idea what was wrong with her. I held her up in front of me and stared at this scrawny, screaming, chicken-legged thing with an outstretched neck and a round little head sitting atop it that made her look like ET when Gertie scares the crap out of him and they’re both screaming insanely.  

And in that moment, that’s exactly what she was to me. An alien life form. Strange and confusing. Appearing suddenly in my life (well, following the requisite gestational period which, if you think about my C-section, was not unlike what happened to John Hurt in the first ALIEN movie).

And rather like an alien life form, I had no idea what the heck Julia was trying to tell me with that noise that was coming out of her mouth or how to convince her that I was a “friendly” and to please, please not take over my life.

Well, clearly the message about “not taking over my life” did not get through. BUT, I did eventually learn the meaning of each of her cries. Within a matter of weeks I could distinguish between the “I’m wet”, “I’m hungry”, “I’m pissed”, and “I’m just plain bored so put down whatever you are doing wench and come entertain me this instant” cries. It’s what a mom does. It’s part of what nature has wired us for.

Well, apparently, nature is on its way out.  Because next time your baby cries and you can’t figure out what it wants, don’t sweat it. Technology will figure it out for you.

Yep, that’s right. There’s a new app for the iPhone called The Cry Translator that will tell you if the cry means the baby is hungry, tired, bored, sleepy, stressed or in some kind of discomfort. AND how to fix it… in ten seconds flat!

Of course it doesn’t say anything about the stress or discomfort or TRAUMA that might be caused by sticking an electronic device into your baby’s face every time he or she is shedding tears. 

Okay okay. How, you ask, is that any different than me sticking a digital camera in Julia’s face every hour on the hour since she was surgically removed from my abdomen after 40 hours of labor during which I didn’t dilate a single centimeter (yeah, I’m still bitter about that).

Honestly, probably not any different. I mean, the poor kid is so attuned to that flash of silver followed by a flash of light that everytime she sees a camera or something like it, she automatically flashes a magazine cover smile. I mean, the other day I was making pancakes and my stainless spatula caught the reflection of the pendant lights and the next thing I knew Julia was voguing like Madonna.

Okay. I guess the app isn’t so horrible.  I guess that’s just me being bitter that this thing wasn’t around when Julia was first born. Like those fabric shopping cart seat inserts. I NEVER got to use one of those!

Still… there’s a part of me that wonders if The Cry Translator can REALLY tell what a baby wants or needs. Or if it can ever really replace a mother’s instinct. And if it can, how far off are mothers from being replaced totally? I mean, are we going the way of the do do bird? Or VHS?

Nah. Unless the iPhone comes up with an app that can change a poopie diaper, mothering will still be a necessity. Although Google might be working on something. There are rumblings. An alien conspiracy. Pod mommies……

Anyway, until then, we mommies, armed with our wipes, have job security.

For you desperate mommies who NEED The Cry Translator NOW! Click the following link.

www.crytranslator.com

And remember… Mommies DO NOT judge other mommies in their moments of desperation.