I remember a moment, within the first 24 hours that I brought Julia home.  She was crying and crying. I had no idea what was wrong with her. I held her up in front of me and stared at this scrawny, screaming, chicken-legged thing with an outstretched neck and a round little head sitting atop it that made her look like ET when Gertie scares the crap out of him and they’re both screaming insanely.  

And in that moment, that’s exactly what she was to me. An alien life form. Strange and confusing. Appearing suddenly in my life (well, following the requisite gestational period which, if you think about my C-section, was not unlike what happened to John Hurt in the first ALIEN movie).

And rather like an alien life form, I had no idea what the heck Julia was trying to tell me with that noise that was coming out of her mouth or how to convince her that I was a “friendly” and to please, please not take over my life.

Well, clearly the message about “not taking over my life” did not get through. BUT, I did eventually learn the meaning of each of her cries. Within a matter of weeks I could distinguish between the “I’m wet”, “I’m hungry”, “I’m pissed”, and “I’m just plain bored so put down whatever you are doing wench and come entertain me this instant” cries. It’s what a mom does. It’s part of what nature has wired us for.

Well, apparently, nature is on its way out.  Because next time your baby cries and you can’t figure out what it wants, don’t sweat it. Technology will figure it out for you.

Yep, that’s right. There’s a new app for the iPhone called The Cry Translator that will tell you if the cry means the baby is hungry, tired, bored, sleepy, stressed or in some kind of discomfort. AND how to fix it… in ten seconds flat!

Of course it doesn’t say anything about the stress or discomfort or TRAUMA that might be caused by sticking an electronic device into your baby’s face every time he or she is shedding tears. 

Okay okay. How, you ask, is that any different than me sticking a digital camera in Julia’s face every hour on the hour since she was surgically removed from my abdomen after 40 hours of labor during which I didn’t dilate a single centimeter (yeah, I’m still bitter about that).

Honestly, probably not any different. I mean, the poor kid is so attuned to that flash of silver followed by a flash of light that everytime she sees a camera or something like it, she automatically flashes a magazine cover smile. I mean, the other day I was making pancakes and my stainless spatula caught the reflection of the pendant lights and the next thing I knew Julia was voguing like Madonna.

Okay. I guess the app isn’t so horrible.  I guess that’s just me being bitter that this thing wasn’t around when Julia was first born. Like those fabric shopping cart seat inserts. I NEVER got to use one of those!

Still… there’s a part of me that wonders if The Cry Translator can REALLY tell what a baby wants or needs. Or if it can ever really replace a mother’s instinct. And if it can, how far off are mothers from being replaced totally? I mean, are we going the way of the do do bird? Or VHS?

Nah. Unless the iPhone comes up with an app that can change a poopie diaper, mothering will still be a necessity. Although Google might be working on something. There are rumblings. An alien conspiracy. Pod mommies……

Anyway, until then, we mommies, armed with our wipes, have job security.

For you desperate mommies who NEED The Cry Translator NOW! Click the following link.

www.crytranslator.com

And remember… Mommies DO NOT judge other mommies in their moments of desperation.

We at MAMMAKAZE are all about doing things the EASY WAY. Not because we’re lazy (although we are, a little). But because, let’s face it, there’s enough in life that sucks up time and energy. Things like work, cooking, cleaning, raising kids, keeping our husband “happy”. I mean, where’s the “ME” TIME?!?

Here’s something to shave some seconds off your day. And if you shave enough seconds, in a few years, you might have accumulated enough time to get that mani-pedi you’ve been dreaming about. Okay, maybe just the pedi. Without the flower. Oh, and no stopping under that weird purple light that’s supposed to dry the polish faster, but which I think is a crock and really just an excuse to keep you around longer so those ladies make fun of your cracked heels and corns in another language.

HOW TO OPEN A BANANA LIKE THE PROFESSIONALS – MONKEYS

We at MAMMAKAZE long ago faced the fact that, when you’re a mom trying to do it all, there’s no way in hell you can be perfect. Hence our spelling of the word — PERFEKT — in this blog. You’ve seen it. Probably wondered what the heck it meant. Maybe even been annoyed by it. Well, it’s our rebellious way of saying nothing is truly perfect.  

Except you know what is perfect? Packaged T-shirts. Yep. You buy them all folded to perfection. Then open them, wash them, fold them to put them back in drawers and you end up with something that looks like what the guy at the car wash uses to get the bird crap off your windshield. They won’t lay flat. They look slept-in. It’s frustrating.

“How do they freakin’ do that?!” you’ve wondered. Those miracle workers on some assembly line in a foreign country? And how can I recapture that magic during my laundry time?

I present…the answer! (And a small way in which you can look “perfect” to your family). You’re welcome.

 HOW TO FOLD A T-SHIRT. It’s amazing, it’s fast and, dare I say it, PERFECT!

Mommies, DO TRY THIS AT HOME!

HOW TO FOLD A T-SHIRT TO PERFECTION

P.S. FYI. I don’t get that funky background music either. Sounds like it belongs in a movie where Michelle Pfeiffer inspires kids from the hood, not in a T-shirt folding video. Go figure.