What is it with kids and their infinite ability to annoy their parents? Why do they do it? Is it learned behavior? Are they hard-wired? Is it part of nature’s evolutionary drive to prepare parents for the eventual empty nest? You know, so that we feel relief rather than grief when they finally leave home?

Whatever the reasons. It’s FREAKING ANNOYING!

Just today Julia – who is rapidly approaching age 9 which seems to have kicked her annoyance creativity into high gear – was repeatedly rubbing the flat side of an emery board against a blank 3×5 notecard!

How she came to be in possession of these two seemingly disparate and unrelated items is a mystery. What compelled her to continually rub that card with the board resulting in one of the most  irritating sounds since fingernails on a chalkboard or metal pans scraping together  - is also a mystery. The end result, my heightening irritability – was a foregone conclusion.

And it’s not just this. It’s a series of things. Why, just last week I was made to repeatedly listen for the almost imperceptible squeak of air exiting her tear duct as she held her nose and blew.

Again and again she wanted me to hear it. Not because she was proud of it or fascinated at discovering new things her body could do…. No. I’m convinced it was simply to annoy me.

A few weeks back it was the DORKY FACE. This was where she would contort her face into a really dweeby expression and do a thumbs up gesture. Normally, it wouldn’t be a big deal. I mean, it’s a free country. Look like a dork to your heart’s desire. It’s what the founding fathers intended. HOWEVER….  

 How many times I had to LOOK MOM LOOK! I can’t even tell you. But if I had a nickel for every time. Well, I’m sure I could have purchased a $20 Starbucks card…minimum.

Yes, I tried the “your face will freeze like that.” I’m not opposed to lying in dire situations. Like when irritating behavior (hers) meets hormonal fluctuations (mine) in what could potentially be a China Syndrome situation. But she’s too smart for that. She would only smile and do the dork. AGAIN! Thumbs up for the try, mom!

Sometimes the torture takes the form of Britney Spears. Yeah, I know. Horrifying, huh? But it gets worse. Julia actually shrieks the words to “Toxic” at the highest range of her vocal chords while I’m drying her hair. To make matters worse, this usually occurs around 8 pm after 12 hours of cumulative small annoyances. As you can imagine my tolerance by then has worn thin… very thin.

Am I a bad mom because I  don’t find absolutely everything my child does to be delightful and worthy of kudos? Am I a bad mom that sometimes I want to yell at the top of my lungs STOP IT! YOU’RE DRIVING ME FREAKING INSANE!

I don’t do it. Know why? Because I remember that in college I was famous for a little thing called THE SAILOR CHICKEN FACE. So famous in fact that I almost did it on live TV once… But I begged out.

And when I look at my kid, contorting the left side of her mouth so that it almost touches her ear, sticking out her tongue in an attempt to reach her nose, crossing her eyes in opposite directions while making a sort of  “bastard child of a thousand maniacs” sound — ALL AT THE SAME TIME… I remember, I was like that too. And it didn’t stop until I was WAAAAY past legal drinking age. In fact, I think it got worse around that time.

So maybe she’s doing it to annoy me. Or maybe it’s genetic. From her mamma. Like her astygmatic brown eyes and her love of carbs. And well, I can’t blame her for being who she is… can I? Then I WOULD BE a bad mom.

COMMONLY HEARD MOMVERSATION:

MOM #1: Want to go for a cup of coffee after drop-off?

MOM #2: Can’t. Got to get home and clean. My cleaning lady is coming today.

Bizarre but true. Most women I know who have someone come and clean their home feel compelled to actually CLEAN before the cleaning person comes. Why you ask?

Well, after talking to many moms and doing a little much-needed soul searching, I have found that there is more than one reason for this.  And sometimes, these reasons work in tandem to create this bizarre and, yes I’ll say it, ridiculous behavior.

WHY WE CLEAN FOR OUR CLEANING PERSON  

1) We’re hard-wired to please.

2) We don’t want the cleaning person to think we’re dirty.

3) We have to get rid of the mess on top of the dirt so they can actually get to the dirt to clean it.

4) We don’t want to seem rude.

5) We live in mortal fear that they will discuss our personal dirt with one of our neighbors for whom they also do housework.

This strange pre-cleaning cleaning is not only exhibited in stay-at-home moms who, arguably, have a more flexible schedule that allows them to more easily engage in this baffling ritual. Nope, it is also a common phenomenon displayed in even the most haggard, overly-booked and stretched beyond her limits working mother who barely has time to shave her legs in the shower let alone pick up for someone whom she is specifically paying to pick up.

Even I, a working mom who works out of my home, have been guilty of this. Because it mortifies me to think that, while I am typing away at my computer, my cleaning person  is in the bathroom next to my office quietly judging the condition of my toilet. Or that she shares the details of my family’s personal hygiene with friends over margaritas. Ew.

I mean, how can I look her in the eye knowing that behind  her smile she is secretly replused by the little hair clippings I may have neglected to brush out of the corner of my countertop last time I got too impatient to wait for my next hair appointment and took my dull scissors to my bangs. (Sorry Patrice, but yes, you’re going to have to fix those….AGAIN.)

I don’t know what the solution is. Meditation. Xanax. Growing out my bangs.

Until I figure it out, I will continue my pre-cleaning cleaning compulsion. And continue to wish that the complusion manifested itself WITHOUT the impending visit from my cleaning person. It’d sure save me a few bucks. Sigh.

Have you ever been involved in a mommy carpool where you switch off with another mom for drop-off or pick up at school? And if so, have you ever been ONE BOOSTER SEAT SHORT because you forgot it in your husband’s car or forgot to switch back with the other mom?

If you’re like me, you HAVE at one time or another found yourself short on a car seat. And not only are the safety implications overwhelming. You are also faced with the horrific dilemma, pondering the most dreaded of all questions.

WHAT KID GOES WITHOUT THE BOOSTER SEAT?

Oh yeah. You’ve been there. I know you have. And it’s a tough decision, isn’t it? I mean, it’s not like the days when we were kids and we called dibs on riding shotgun at age 4. Or we battled over who got to lay down in the back of the station wagon while on that 400 mile car trip to Grandma’s. Heck, forget child safety seats. We didn’t even use seat belts! I don’t know about you but our seat belts were nothing but an space-consuming annoyance (we had 4 kids!) and pretty much ended up stuffed inside the crack of the seat only to emerge on the rare occasion when one of us rooted around in there in search of a lost quarter.

Nowadays we mommies know better. Because we have been bombarded with (and by “bombarded with” I mean we have obsessively GOOGLED) statistics about child survival rates in car accidents where a child WAS NOT in a child safety seat. So we’re pretty much horrified at the prospect of any child going without.

So what do you do when you’re one car seat short and you can’t get ahold of another mommy to bring you a spare?

If you are like me and every mommy I know, the answer, while not simple, is obvious.

OUR OWN CHILD GOES WITHOUT!

It’s true, in the couple of instances it happened to me, my daughter went without. And I’m not the only one who has made this decision.

My MAMMAKAZE carpooling friend did the same recently. When she forgot to get the booster seat back from me after I did drop off, she put my daughter in the booster and her SON  went without! This is in spite of the fact that my kid is only 2 inches away from legally being without one and her son is more along the line of 6 inches away. And we’re not the only ones! I’ve polled other moms and they’ve made THE EXACT SAME DECISION!

Crazy, isn’t it? Despite the fact that nature has wired us to protect our children at all costs  (I mean who wouldn’t choose to give the seat on the lifeboat to their kid instead of taking it themselves?) this car seat situation is one instance in which all those millions of years of biological hard-wiring are COMPLETELY OVERRIDDEN.

Why is that? Why would a parent choose the safety of another’s child over theirs? Well the answer is simple.

We don’t want to seem rude.

No kidding. The horror of being whispered about in coffee klatches around town behind our backs - of being labelled “that selfish mom”, it’s enough to short-circuits the synapses. 

Okay. It’s not as simple as that.  The truth is, this choice is all about the question:  Could we live with ourselves if something happened to the precious child of a good friend entrusted to our care? On the flip side is: Could we live with ourselves if something happened to our own child? I mean, not since ABRAHAM has a parent had been faced with such a dilemma! Okay, I exaggerate. At the very least, it’s a maddening CATCH 22 with no good solution!

So in order to cope, in order to prevent being frozen in our tracks, incapable of doing anything, we simply BOIL IT DOWN to … not wanting to be RUDE.

After all rude behavior is well, RUDE! Plain. Simple. Easy.

And while Emily Post may have never written rules on the subject, in the unwritten book of Mommy Etiquette it is the appropriate thing to do. You know, like letting the mommy with the green light pull into the drop-off lane because SHE HAS THE RIGHT OF WAY instead of making that right turn on a red and cutting her off to get into that drop-off lane first! (Are you reading this mommy in the white Mercedes?!)

Anyway, I don’t know what the answer to the problem is. Hauling an extra car seat around seems extreme. But then crossing your fingers and hoping for the best on that 1.5 mile car ride home is pretty iffy. Especially if you’ve read the statistics stating that most car accidents happen within five miles of home – which I know you have because GOOGLE is a mommy’s worst best friend – next to WEBMD.

I can’t think about it right now. I need to hit the internet and try to self-diagnose this patchy area on my right forearm before pick-up. Wait. Where did I put the extra booster?

WHO DO YOU CHOOSE WHEN YOU’RE A BOOSTER SHORT?

Okay. I know this happened a month ago, so I’m a little behind on posting. But there is no expiration date on bad parenting OR on my ability to make snarky comments about it. So here goes.

Apparently a mom who was upset about her kid’s volleyball team losing, pulled a gun on the opposing players.

Yep. That’s right. Talk about a bad sport, huh? This is from kbtx.com:

SAN ANTONIO (AP) – Police say a woman believed to be a suburban San Antonio middle school parent pulled a gun on members of an opposing volleyball team after her school lost a match.

Judson school district spokesman James Keith said school police were reviewing videotape of the Thursday night incident to try to identify the woman. Keith says witnesses reported that she threatened to shoot several girls. He says several witnesses knew the woman.

 Keith tells the San Antonio Express-News that Metzger Middle School had just lost to visiting Kirby when the woman approached the Kirby players while they celebrated in a parking lot.

And there you have it. Bad mommy! Baaad!

Not since the Texas Cheerleader Murdering Mom tale or whatever the hell that real-life story was that they made into some TV movie with Holly Hunter for which she won an Emmy (either for her convincing portrayal or her spot-on accent) has such an example of bad mommy behavior at a sporting event come up.  

I won’t start by pointing out that both incidents happened in Texas. Okay I just did. BUT that doesn’t mean people in Texas are more apt to pull guns. It just means that more people in Texas HAVE guns so they are more apt to PULL them when provoked.

Although I personally wouldn’t call getting a good old-fashioned ass whoopin’ on the volleyball court “provocation”.  That doesn’t mean that the courts in Texas wouldn’t consider it such. After all, the Texas Cheerleader Murdering Mom who solicited someone to murder the mother of her daughter’s main competition for the cheerleading team so that her own daughter would have a better chance of getting on said team, got off with a 6 month jail stint and 1000 hours of community service.

Are you kidding me? There are people who have gotten stiffer sentences for throwing an empty Sprite can out their car window while driving on the highway!

Clearly the lawmakers in Texas take a different view of what is considered criminal than do I. But what do you expect from a place where shotgun racks are considered optional upgrades in new vehicles along with GPS, tinted windows and leather seats? (Okay. Maybe that’s an exaggeration. A joke even. But I feel I can make that joke having lived there for many years and having relatives who still live there.)

I do not know what is going on in these crazy mommies’ minds. But frankly,  I feel fortunate to live in an area where the biggest danger associated with childhood sporting events is the concern that a child might actually know his her or score and thus whether or not they won. See, where I live competition has gone the way of  TB. It has been all but eradicated from childhood. You know, for fear that some poor child might GASP! feel bad about losing! Because where I come from, all kids are supposed to feel good about themselves whether they have abilities or not.   

I’ll never forget the day when I was at a friend’s house and his wife got home with their 5 year-old son from soccer and I dared to ask the boy “Who won?”. Well, the daddy (my friend) quickly SHUSHED ME and explained that they “don’t keep score”. They play for strictly for fun, not to win.

Okaaaaaaay. Not the way things went down when I was a kid. You won. YIPPEE! You lost. BOO-HOO! Suck it up. Practice more. Try harder next time.  ‘Nuf said.

Naturally the danger of all this is that kids grow up with an over-inflated sense of their ablities or lack thereof. And also no sense of competition which, if you ask me, might cause some problems later in life when they have to COMPETE  for things like, I don’t know,  jobs! Or world power status!

But the important thing is that they don’t feel bad about losing and therefore about themselves. And if kids don’t feel bad about losing, then parents don’t feel bad about their kids losing. Then parents won’t feel the need to pull guns or hire hit men to take out their kid’s competition because their kids won’t have any!

So I guess the answer in Texas isn’t to have stiffer gun laws, but less competition! Because if everyone wins, nobody dies.

Gosh, I’m glad I cleared up.

Seriously, though. A little healthy competition never hurt anyone. But you know what does hurt? Guns. And stupid moms brandishing guns… they hurt the most of all. Because what are you teaching your kids? Or maybe these moms don’t care. Yeah. That’s probably it.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Not everyone should be a parent. Sigh.

Okay. Seriously. I wasn’t going to say anything about this. But really, it has gotten soooo ridiculous. I know you’ve all heard about the controversy of the Katy Perry appearance on Sesame Street. If not  SEE VIDEO BELOW.

Anyway, they pulled it from the show because of her dress, which reveals  a little bit of cleavage. Apparently some Mommies thought it was outrageous, horrific, and the stuff from which sluts are made.  Are you kidding me?

Okay she’s not wearing an Edwardian high neck collar, but seriously, BANNING THE VIDEO? Uh, I think not.

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MAMMAKAZE’S TOP 3 ARGUMENTS WHY BANNING THE KATY PERRY/SESAME STREET APPEARANCE IS RIDICULOUS!

1) I have seen plenty of mommies at after school pick-up wearing more revealing attire on a hot day!

2) You know the audience for this show sees more breast than this everyday at meal time!

3) Uh, Miss Piggy went there first (see picture above). That little tart of a piglet!

What do you want to bet these commplaining mommies are the same ones that have no problem with their kids blowing away zombies all day on a video game. Violence is okay, but a women has cleavage and OMG!

To all this I simply have to offer my usual response…. Sigh.

WHAT DO YOU STAND ON THIS DEBATE?

TOO MUCH BREAST or GIVE IT A REST?

As a mom to an 8 1/2 year old girl, I have become recently acquainted with a term that has sent shivers of horror up my spine: breast buds.

In case you aren’t familiar with the them, breast buds are the first little “budlings” that pop up on the chest of girls, signaling the onset of breasts and, shortly therafter, puberty and everything that whole hormonal nightmare entails…. aaaaaaggggghhhhhh!

Now why would a grown woman be afraid of such a natural part of life and a girl’s development? Well, it’s because according to studies and recent rumblings in my hood, it is happening earlier and earlier!  

Now I had heard a few years ago, when Julia was a baby, that girls were getting their periods earlier these days. They attributed it partly to better nutrition, but mostly to the fact that there are more hormones in foods, specifically milk and chicken. Because of this I have been careful to try to give Julia only organic milk and chicken that  have not been injected with hormones. But the truth is, I cannot protect her from these additives. They are everywhere and she doesn’t always eat at home.  

Still, I have felt confident that I have done my part to keep early puberty (and little breastlings) at bay and wasn’t worried…. until recently.

Why, you ask? Because a  fellow MAMMAKAZE told me that in her daughter’s 4th grade class last year there were TWO 9 year-old girls who got their periods!

NINE YEAR OLDS MENSTRUATING! Holy cow! Are you kidding me? My kid can’t even get all the conditioner out of  her hair when she showers and now I’ve got to worry about her having to deal with a period while she’s still playing with Barbies?!   Seriously, I shudder at the thought of her or any of these little children having to deal with the maintenance involved in coping with a period. Or the taunting if some jackass of a 9 year-old boy should find out!

How would he find out, you ask? Well, naturally, when girls start their periods that early, teachers must be told because of the obvious issues that could arise in class.

The next step is that parents of other girls in the classroom need to be told because,  in addition to getting breast buds, little girls talk. And they share things. And mommies need to prepare their daughters for such conversations because, well, I think we mommies all agree we don’t want our kids finding out about stuff like that on the playground. First there’s the shock factor. Then there’s the gross factor. Then there’s the misinformation. And finally there’s the sense of betrayal on the part of the kid whose parent didn’t tell her which resulted in her looking stupid in front of her BFFs. Because in addition to getting breast buds and talking, girls do not want to look like the only one in their cliques who are not in the know.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before on this website, but I was a victim of the “playground sex talk” when I was in 3rd grade and it was indeed a traumatic thing!The source was  Dee Dee Rettigheri who, judging by the fact that she clearly shopped in the women’s C cup bra section, had been visited early by the menstruation fairy. As a result, her mother gave her the total lowdown on the birds and the bees which, Dee Dee in turn felt the need to impart to a handful of her classmates one day during recess. 

Never once mentioning a bird or a bee, she regaled us with the gory details. And lemme tell you, I felt shock (what? this is news to me!), disgust (ew!) and denial (my parents DO NOT do that, no way, uh-uh, absolutely NOT!). And yes even betrayal because my mom neglected to mention a word of this to me and now I looked stupid in front of my peeps – although we didn’t call them that then – I think we used the word girlfriends or pals.

For the next few years I carried this knowledge with me, living in mortal fear of the day I would get my period and then my breasts. And vowing that even if it did, I would NEVER engage in this disgusting behavior called “sex”!  We know how THAT turned out. Still, NOT a way for a little girl to approach her puberty.

Meanwhile, I never, not once,  heard a word about any of it from my own mother until I got my  period at age 12 and she informed me that “now I could get pregnant.” And that, as they say in certain circles, was that. Okaaaaay. Short, sweet and totally lacking in any pertinent or helpful information whatsoever. As she left me standing there, ill-prepared for my journey into womanhood, I  wondered if somehow she had discovered that Dee Dee had already given me all the details. Nah, the only possible explanation was that she was as uncomfortable with the whole thing as I was.

So now, as a mom with a daughter of my own, I look back on my own experience and tell myself that I must be strong for my daughter. Yes, this rash of breast budding and early menstruation is terrifying me. But I don’t want my kid to experience what I went through.

So, I will face these breast buds head on, with the courage of a warrior, prepared should an army of hormones strike my daughter prematurely. I will do what I have to to make sure that she is not ill-informed, or afraid or grossed-out. Because I want her to embrace the changes she experiences and accept them as the natural and beautiful part of life that they are. 

Also, I’m really, really counting on the fact that all the years she’s spent trying to get those teeny, tight little tops on those perky-breasted Barbies will  soften the shock of puberty and the onset of breasts, whenever they arrive.

The body image nightmares that arise as a result of the breast-to-hip ratio of Barbies is a whole other issue. I’ll fight that battle when we are attacked by it. Sigh.

For more information – and generally scary %$#@ that will keep you up at night  - about the effects of this early maturation, click on this PINK LINK.