Welcome to movie math where we take a look at a movie and see if it adds up to family fun.  

Disney’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (Live Action)

If the goal when you’re forking over the big bucks it costs these days to go to a movie ($40 bucks for 3 people?! What the what the?!) is that your kid comes away happy – then this film fits the bill.

Clearly  hoping to tap into the wizarding frenzy created by the Harry Potter movies as well as to strike the same box office gold they struck by turning their  Pirates of The Caribbean ride into a movie - Disney has based this live-action tale on The Sorcerer’s Apprentice segment of their classic antimated film Fantasia. Don’t know if that’ll help though, since most people don’t even remember it.  Anyway, aside from a little dancing mop sequence that’s out of the original film, this film’s pretty much its own entity.

It’s a story about NYU physics major DAVE (Jay Baruchel) who has no idea that he is a blood descendant of the wizard Merlin until the day his wizard mentor BALTHAZAR (Nicholas Cage) shows up to give him some lessons. Of course it’s not that straightforward because well, then there wouldn’t be drama and that’s booooring. So enter HORVATH (Alfred Molina) who wants to destroy the human world and in order to do that must release the evil MORGANA from a set of nesting dolls in which she has been trapped since around, oh,  760 AD. Did I mention that the love of Balthazar’s life is also trapped in there? Did I also mention that Horvath thinks Dave knows where the nesting dolls are or that he has a wizard sidekick who uses his magical gifts to sell himself as a CRISS ANGEL type magician? No? Well, none of it really matters anyway. Cuz in the end it’s just an excuse for a lot of wild chases, exploding electricity balls, fiery dragons and action that’s more CGI than mystical or magical. Which is where I should mention that this is a Jerry Bruckheimer film.  Yep. ‘Splains a lot, Lucy.

There’s the requisite  romance subplot which, while not very well developed, does serve to  prove to geeky boys that they can still get the pretty girl if they’re super smart and can force Tesla Rays to make music. So if you’re the mom of a boy who can’t catch a baseball to save his life but can  recreate the Parthenon with Legos, this is a good movie for you…and him.  Obviously for girls too because my 8 year-old daughter not only laughed a lot during the film,  she also pronounced as the credits rolled “I’m going to tell all my friends to see this!”  Click to Buy Tickets Now at Fandango.

MINIMAL STORY + COOL SPECIAL EFFECTS = FAIR SUMMERTIME FARE

Welcome to movie math where we take a look at a movie and see if it ADDS UP to family fun… and is worth the outrageous prices they’re charging in the theaters these days!

FURRY VENGEANCE - Despite the fact that I had to explain the concept of vengeance to Julia and that it stars Brendan Fraser the reigning king of movie crap, I took my kid to see this film. More accurately, I was elected to take her. And all because I made the mistake of  giggling at the trailers. (Sue me, I find silly animals funny). Randy the perfekt husband took that to mean that I wouldn’t mind being the parental sacrifice on the altar of really bad movie-making. It was simply a momentary lapse in sanity. And I had to pay for it by sitting through this abomination.

Let’s begin by saying, Brendan Fraser continues on a streak that started way back with GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE, was followed over the last few years with the likes of BEDAZZLED,  INKHEART and now this.  The difference now is that Brendan Fraser used to at least be  nice eye candy for mommy to look at. But in this movie. HOLY MOLY! He looks like someone who needs an all-you-can-eat buffet intervention. The guy is only 41 years old but he’s so out of shape, bloated and entirely unhealthy. Normally I don’t comment on the appearance of an actor. But  he spends a scary portion of the movie running around shirtless or wearing Brooke Shield’s too-small jogging suit with YUM YUM across the butt. Yeah, someone, he or the director, decided to make fun of all his jiggly parts. And I gotta tell you, like everything else in this movie, it was trying too hard. Or maybe it wasn’t hard enough.

Look, I appreciate the whole preserve nature theme. Frankly, I wish it was pushed at our kids as much as the “you can be a secret world famous pop star if you only follow your dream” theme that’s on every Nick and Disney show. But is it too much to ask to write a decent story, with some intelligence, instead of this insulting piece of drivel?

Bottom line, the kids DID  laugh. Well, little kids laughed. Know why? Because kids think that farts, pee and poop are funny. Also skunks spraying. Sprinklers shooting into people’s crotches. And Brendan Fraser, as naked as he could possibly be without violating some ratings law, bathing in tomato juice while wearing a red bra for a group of construction workers to see. Yep. It’s like.

A GOOD MESSAGE BURIED IN A MESS OF A FILM + LOTS OF SCATOLOGICAL HUMOR = A LAUGH FEST, BUT ONLY FOR THE MOST IMMATURE IN YOUR PARTY

Welcome to movie math where we take a look at a movie and see if it adds up to family fun.

Normally I do my movie reviews on Thursday, but this Wimpy Kid movie is fresh in my head and I’m feeling thus compelled and since I almost never refuse my compulsions, well, except to jump up and down on the hood of that mommy in the silver Mercedes who made a right turn in front of me from the straight lane to the LEFT! of me during drop off this morning… Thanks lady! Care about your kids’ lives much?

  DIARY OF A WIMPY KID - Let me preface this review by saying that we did not read the books, I know, sacrilege. So I’m reviewing strictly from the standpoint of this story as a movie. And with that in mind, lemme tell you that JULIA LOVED IT! Did we parents love it as much? Eh, not as much, no. Don’t get me wrong, it was no Shark Tales which to me is the measure of all things horrible in children’s movies. It was WAAAAAAAY above that. In fact, there were two scenes in there, one involving cheese and another involving a school bathroom, that had me and Randy the perfekt husband laughing so hard we had tears streaming down our faces (and made the kids around us hold their popcorns tightly to their chests). That hasn’t happened since we saw THE HANGOVER. Before that, the scene in 40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN where a drunk Leslie Mann drives Steve Carell home. The point is, it rarely happens AND it almost NEVER happens in kids’ movies. But it happened here. As kid movies go, Wimpy Kid had the right stuff. Julia thought is was hilarious throughout. Well, except for a booger scene or two. Unlike me, who grew up with five brothers and know from boogers and farts and other bodily functions, Julia is an only child and therefore a bit of a delicate flower when it comes to scatological humor. But when things got too booger-y, she just closed her eyes. Lord Voldemort, no biggie. A boogie on a piece of paper… the horror! Overall, the movie was a nice combination of live action with some animation thrown in. And it had some very nice messages about being yourself. And it was nice to see a protagonist who wasn’t a total good guy. In fact, he was kind of the Dexter of kids movies. Okay, maybe that’s going too far.  Still, he was pretty stinky and self-involved. But he learned his lesson. And isn’t that’s what’s important in these kids’ movies? Well, that and some HIGH-sterical scenes about rotting cheese. So true to life. So very kid-like. When we left the movie we were still laughing. Especially from Julia’s spot-on imitation of the east Indian kid saying,” Oooh, you almost got the cheese touch.” Man, I’m telling you, my kid and her accents, she could do voiceover work.  I don’t know if they’ll make a sequel, but if they do they better do it fast. Because if ZACHARY GORDON who plays the title character pulls a Taylor Lautner-esque growth spurt, it won’t do for this franchise what Taylor’s six pack did for the Twilight series. Hurry guys! Hurry it up! In fact the film should be in the can NOW!  In theaters

GREAT KID HUMOR + NICE LIFE LESSONS + ONE WACKY CHEESE SUBPLOT = A PRETTY FUN TIME FOR ALL

 Welcome to movie math where we look at a film and see if it adds up to family fun.

TIM BURTON’S ALICE IN WONDERLAND - There are many things that are totally cool about this movie. Among them, the fact that there are 5 actors from the Harry Potter films in it (this according to Julia). That little tidbit aside, visually it’s pretty darn stunning. Burton never fails to deliver when it comes to the look of his films. Story, well, he’s not always on the mark. The premise has promise. Alice is a teenager, plagued by what she thinks are “dreams” of her childhood visit to Wonderland. Her beloved father, a visionary and self-professed mad person (“all the best people are,” he tells her when she thinks she has gone mad) has passed away. And Alice is being forced into a loveless marriage with an annoying and unattractive Lord with digestive issues. (Been there, honey). At her engagement party, just after the Lord proposes and before she answers, she excuses herself and follows the White Rabbit down the hole (been there too) thus returning to Wonderland. Being a Tim Burton film, Wonderland has naturally transformed from a lovely (albeit wacky) place, into a desolate, decimated, nightmarish landscape, all thanks the the evil RED QUEEN played quite convincingly by Burton’s wife without the legal paperwork Helena Bonham Carter (I’d like to be a fly on the wall in THAT marriage). And Alice, according to some scroll we never quite learn the origins of, is destined to be the savior of Wonderland by fighting the Jabberwock.  Fight the Jabberwock?! I’d turn over the reigns to Wonderland if she can tell me what the heck “the mome raths outgrabe” means! Anyhow, the reluctant Alice must find herself and therefore her courage in order to save the day. All fine and good. But this is where the story starts to get lame-o.  It’s predictable and fairly tensionless. Little makes sense as to WHY anything is happening. I know, I know. It’s Wonderland… things aren’t supposed to make sense. Well, yes, the story should otherwise all you have is a Lady Gaga video. Frankly, if it weren’t for the oddities and amazing visuals, I certainly would have taken a snooze. But you know what? Julia loved it! And without spoiling the ending, which I’m sure you’ve guessed, the message is a good one in terms of empowerment for girls. And being the mamma of a girl, I’m always happy to see that. Thanks Tim and Jim (Cameron) for your messages to my daughter this past year. In the end, yeah… it’s worth a look. But if you’re debating 3-D price versus 2-D, you might want to save your money since the 3-D, not so spectacular.

STUNNING VISUALS + NOT SO STUNNING STORY + COOL CHICK EMPOWERMENT MESSAGE = A COOL RIDE FOR KIDS, ADULTS…EH.

A little Lewis Carroll trivia re: the original Alice In Wonderland and what the heck it means.

Apparently, the other-worldly events in “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” can be interpreted as satire on 19th-century advances in mathematics. This according to a NY Times article entitled ALGEBRA IN WONDERLAND.

CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO READ IT:

 
http://s.nyt.com/u/b-L

 Today we’re combining our BAD MOMS IN MOVIES feature with MOVIE MATH.

In MOVIE MATH we review a movie and see if it adds up to family fun.

Our BAD MOMS IN MOVIES feature helps us feel better about our not-so-perfect parenting skills by observing the bad parenting of others in movies.

Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightening Thief – When it comes to family dysfunction, nobody does it better than the Greek Gods. I mean, they go around coupling with mortals, having all these illegitimate kids whom they pretty much walk out on. That makes for a world full of pretty messed up teenage demi-gods with serious parental abandoment issues. That’s what’s at the core of the first Percy Jackson movie. Without going into too much detail that may result in spoilers - much of what motivates the movie’s characters (PERCY - son of Poseidon, ANNABETH - daughter of Athena, and LUKE – son of Hermes) is their need to prove themselves to and/or get back at their absentee parents. Now is it a good movie? Eh. It played more like a low rent, wanna-be HARRY POTTER. Which is kind of puzzling since the books are supposed to be good (Julia got the set for her B-Day but she hasn’t read them yet) and that it was directed by CHRIS COLUMBUS who directed the first two Potter films. But unlike Harry Potter, this movie was filled with major contrivances, plot holes and inconsistencies. The effects were okay. And some kids will surely find it fun to see kids fighting Hydras and Minotaurs. And the movie DID inspire Julia to learn about the Greek Gods. And I DID feel better about my parenting skills knowing I wasn’t going to abandon my kid to the likes of Medusa or Hades. I mean, let’s face it, the most trauma my kid is likely to suffer is when they’re out of her favorite flavor at the Golden Spoon yogurt place. So hey… it’s worth a look. But go to the matinee and save a few bucks. Or wait for the dvd when you can drink wine while viewing.  

WANNA BE HARRY POTTER ADVENTURE + DISCERNING PARENTS + ULTRA DISCERNING KID = AN OKAY AFTERNOON MATINEE IF YOU DON’T THINK ABOUT THE PLOT TOO MUCH

In case, like me, you get confused by which movie is which, Star Wars Episode IV is really the first Star Wars that came out way back in 1977. And if you ask Julia, who actually has a VERY good sense of what makes a decent story – is really the best of the Star Wars films. She found the last three (and by that I mean Episodes I, II and III)  almost unwatchable. “Too much fighting, not enough about the babies,” she said when we watched them back when she was about 5.

I’m pretty sure that’s what Roger Ebert had to say too.

Well, here’s another little girl, this one aged 3, who had quite a bit to say about the first Star Wars, and by that I mean Episode IV. This video was sent in by GARY. Thanks, Gary for confirming to me that Leonard Maltin is waaaay overpaid.

“Don’t talk back to Darth Vader…He’ll getcha.”

No truer words were ever spoken. Well, except maybe,”I suggest you make darn sure you don’t eat the last of the chocolate for the next 5 to 7 days.”