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Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

Author: toni

~ 05/31/09

This is it. The home stretch! The last week of school! Talent shows are over. Dance Recital done. Out-of-town guests OUT of OUR town.  Just one more week of school and it’s SUMMER VACATION!

And as excited as I have been to get this all over with…the routine, the homework, the daily grind, the end of the school year crunch…THE HORROR AND REALIZATION HAVE BEGUN TO SINK IN…

I will have to entertain a 7 year-old all day, every day for… 74 DAYS ?!  HOLY CRAP!

What are we gonna do? When am I gonna work? How am I gonna stay sane? And really, how many hours of television a day is okay before their brains start to turn to mush?

Okay. Just BREATHE.  We’re all in this together, right? You’re my Mammakazes and you won’t abandon me this summer, right? I’m counting on you to be there to help me through this. And I’ll be there for YOU! I promise.


This week on MAMMAKAZE:

1) Julia tells what’s on the menu of her life (YES, I FIGURED OUT HOW TO DO VIDEO!)

2) A Deep Dark and Daring Confession of my Cleaning Habits (or Lack thereof)

3)  Uh…Other than that, I’m winging it! I’ll keep you posted with updates or, if you’re not on my mailing list, come back daily to see wassup!

Stay safe, stay sane.

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Author: toni

This school year Julia won her first trophy! It was for her school’s PTA Art Contest. She did a beautiful photo collage with pictures she took herself and won the AWARD OF EXCELLENCE which meant her art work went to District. She was soooo excited. Although I wasn’t entirely sure if the excitement was about the trophy or the chocolate cupcakes she was allowed to consume after the ceremony and right before bedtime.

When we got into the car to head home, we had the following conversation:

JULIA: Mom! Can you believe I won a trophy for my art?

ME: (concerned this success was going to lead her down the same impractical life path that I had taken and often regretted) It’s great that you have such artistic talent, sweetie, but remember it’s important to find a job that pays you LOTS and LOTS of money.

JULIA: (holding out both hands) Mom, this is my plate. In the middle of my plate, I’m going to be a doctor. On the side of my plate, is my art which I can do for fun. On the top of my plate is me taking care of my kids. And at the bottom of my plate is me having a happy life. THAT’s what’s on my menu.

ME: (stunned) Where did you hear that?

JULIA: I just made it up.


I stared (via the rearview mirror) in amazed silence at my then six-year old daughter as she stuffed her mouth with the last crumbs of her chocolate cupcake, licking her fingers so as not to miss a piece.  And at that moment, any concerns I had about the person she might become completely melted away. No matter what path she chose, practical or impractical, artistic or medical, I knew that I was raising one amazing kid who was on the road to becoming one terrific person. And she was my award for the one thing I knew I did absolutely right in my own life.



(I wish life was like the Star Ship Enterprise where you can rewind and rewatch any moment because it’s all recorded. Then again, that might be a VERY DANGEROUS TOOL in a marriage and could lead to a lot of “I TOLD YOU SOs” and division of assets.)

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Author: toni

~ 05/28/09


That’s right, ladies!  A mule isn’t just a type of shoe. It’s also a cocktail! (Okay, it’s an animal too, but that’s waaaaay down our definition list).  

This Friday’s cocktail was NOT the suggestion of a MAMMAKAZE. Rather it was submitted by a DINK (Double Income No Kids).  And it is so brilliantly simple and yummy sounding that I have found yet one more reason for my DINK ENVY.  

Also, this particular DINK (Tony) lives in New York City – in a penthouse apartment! So when you’re sipping on this cocktail after a long week of mommy stress, imagine yourself doing so in some exclusive, dimly-lit, swank Manhattan nightclub with jazz playing and surrounded by uber-thin, beautiful people dressed in black . (Suggestion: Don’t imagine the smoke-filled room part). 



Lime juice (fresh squozen for that homey “yes I CAN do it all” taste)

Ginger beer (spicy is good)


Put your vodka in a glass ( you choose your prescription strength)

Add anywhere from half a lime to a whole lime’s worth of juice.


Top off with ginger beer – usually around double the amount of vodka, but no one’s watching.

NOTE FROM TONY THE DINK (in his own words): “An overcompensating DINK might make their own ginger ale such that it’s spicy enough to substitute for the ginger beer…. but gosh, I can’t imagine who that would be….”


Ah, Tony. It must be lovely being a DINK. Unfortunately, we mommies don’t have time to make our own ginger ale. We’re lucky if we remember to buy ANY of the ingredients. Well, besides the VODKA. Because while we’re preoccupied and therefore absentminded, we still have our priorities straight…Kids safe in bed. CHECK! Innoculations up-to-date. CHECK! Vodka. CHECK! CHECK! CHECK!


And remember… Don’t feel guilt and drive!

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Author: toni


So have you heard the latest? Jon wants out. Yep. He’s done with the show.

Man, Kate’s gotta be peeing herself. Know why? Cuz 10 MILLION PEOPLE tuned in to the season premiere of Jon & Kate Plus 8!  HUGE NUMBERS for cable! The biggest numbers EVER for the show! TLC just gave them a new 30 episode commitment!  

But Jon wants out. He’s tired of the fishbowl he’s been living in the for the last five years. 

What the–?!He’s just now coming around to this?! I doubt it. I suspect the real problem is that, since his indiscretions have come to light, Kate has turned up the volume on the hell that is his life to about an 11. Yeah, that can’t be fun.  Remember, Kate rhymes with hate, irate, infuriate, no debate, and I’m master of your fate, you $%#@ little $%#!*% !


Whatever Jon’s issues, know what bugs me? He’s talked about how this is bad for him. But he hasn’t said ANYTHING about how it’s bad for the kids.

Even Kate’s brother and his wife went on CBS yesterday to talk about how damaging it is for the children.

But know what? I gotta hand it to Kate. Whatever you may think of her as a mother…that woman is someone who knows what she wants and how to get it. Supposedly she had a list at the start of the show of all the things she wanted (tummy tuck, hair change, whiter teeth, new cars, hair plugs for Jon, etc.) – a sort of mission statement with dental perks. Over time,  she proceeded to trade her promoting of the show for these things.  It worked. Check out the BEFORE and AFTER pics.

I don’t know what’s gonna happen to those kids. I don’t think Child Protective Services will take them away on the grounds of them being exploited. If they did that, all child roles in Hollywood movies would be played by actors over 18.

As for Jon, I doubt he’s gonna get out of his contract. Unless Kate can find a way of turning it into a money-making venture. Which, if anyone can, it’s that woman.

Meanwhile, I am adopting Kate as my business role model. She may stink as mommy. But man that woman can turn controvery into cash. Me likey!  Kate, if you read this, that should be the topic of your next book. “How to exploit you family dramas in return for cold, hard cash.” I’ll pre-order at Amazon.

Hey, I gotta do something to launch this website into the stratosphere!

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Author: toni

~ 05/27/09


As the school year madly draws to a close and I’m feeling the burns from desperately clinging to the end of my rope, I am REALLY NEEDING some INSPIRATION TO GET ME THROUGH IT ALL! Hence, today’s Good Mommies in Movies Post. 

Why that old chestnut, E.T., you ask?  Cuz DAMMIT! if Dee Wallace could hold it all together through divorce, single motherhood and an alien visitation, I should be able to pull through 3 talent show performances, a dance recital, field day, and the biggest load of homework that’s come home all year! Only one more week! Woo-Hoo!


ET – Okay, in this day and age, an argument could be made that Dee Wallace’s single mom MARY in this

classic, beloved film, isn’t really a good mom. I mean, she leaves ELLIOT home ALONE when he’s sick while she goes to work. She leaves 6 year-old GERTIE home alone while she runs to the school to pick up Elliot after he lets the frogs go. AND she lets the kids go out trick or treating all by themselves with the edict we haven’t heard since WE were kids: “Come home when it gets dark!” In this era of STRANGER DANGER PARANOIA, there’s no way in hell we’d do that. Or that they’d depict a mom in a movie doing that – unless she was a bad mom. But we have to remember, this was a different era. Twenty five years ago, that stuff not only happened, it was the norm. And you’ve got to give Mary her props for holding it all together even though her rat of a husband left her and the kids for another woman. She earns the paycheck and is a loving mom while he’s off in Mexico with “Sally” despite the fact that he “hates Mexico”. And when she reads “Peter Pan” to Gertie, it tugs at our heart strings, just as it does ET’s. We have no doubt, this is a woman who is 100% dedicated to her family. Plus, three kids later, she looks super cute in that skin-tight leopard cat outfit. MEOW!



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Author: toni

Okay. One day soon, I’m going to open that YouTube account and learn to embed videos in my website so that I can post the video of Julia performing “Wouldn’t It Be Loverly” (in a cockney accent) at her school talent show today.

Until then, I’m posting the photo I took of her in her costume. Full-on channeling of Eliza Doolittle. Or as Randy the perfekt husband and even perfekter father says “channeling Audrey Hepburn as Eliza Doolittle”.

Now I know some of you MY FAIR LADY purists lean more toward the Julie Andrews version. We’re big fans of Audrey Hepburn in ANYTHING. So, there you have it. And here you have Julia…Isn’t she loverly?  

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