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Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

Author: toni

~ 05/05/09


Okay. Who didn’t see THIS coming?  


You know that TLC show “JON AND KATE PLUS 8”, about that family with 8 kids and all the chaos?

Hey! I KNOW for a fact that a lot of you mommies out there watch it. Maybe not all for the same reasons.

I know some of you admire KATE GOSSELIN and her “super mommy” abilities. Others of you watch it with that “there but for the grace of birth control go I” kind of relief.  Personally, I’ve tuned in only a handful of times. And with the ulterior motive of getting Julia to STOP HER FRIGGIN’ WHINING ABOUT BEING AN ONLY CHILD!  Lemme tell you. A half hour of that zoo, and Julia ain’t complaining no more. Well, not for a couple of weeks anyway.

Whatever your reasons for watching the show, if you’ve seen it, you probably know a lot about the marriage between Jon and Kate. Like I said, I’ve only watched it a handful of times and I KNOW that KATE’s the alpha male in that relationship and JON, well, he’s her whipping boy. Yeah, it’s like that. Even Randy the perfekt husband agrees. And he rarely agrees with me about anything.

So it wasn’t a surprise to me to see stories the last few weeks about Jon’s alleged infidelities. Back in April he was seen doing body shots at a college sorority party – which he later denied! And since there were only eyewitness accounts and no pictures – he got away with it. Well, Kate dragged him out to some high profile restaurants and made him hold her hand for the photographers to see everything was “all good” between them. And the stories died away.  

But guess what? HE GOT CAUGHT AGAIN!  This time he was seen leaving a motel with a “hot babe” (whom he actually referred to as babe) in his fancy car that TLC no doubt paid for.  And this time, SURPRISE! the paps were there to get the money shot.

Oh man. I knew he was in trouble then! Not just with TLC’s legal department for whom I’m sure he signed a morality clause…I’m talking about the WRATH OF KATE!  You know she was on him harder than Hillary was on Bill when she found out he wasn’t just smokin’ those Cubans.  Yeah. It’s got to be that bad!  

Cuz I don’t know about you, but Kate strikes me as the kind of woman who DOES NOT PUT UP WITH CRAP! Who gets her way. Who probably plotted her way to stardom with the very first fertility treatment. And a woman like that, DOES NOT LIKE her plans foiled! Not by some lap dog who would be nothing without her!

How did they handle this PR nightmare that threatens the lifetstyle and celebrity Kate has oh so carefully built? Well…

Jon has publicly admitted to being guilty….of bad judgment!

The woman, he says, was just a “friend”. Yeah, right. If by friend you mean someone with whom he has intercourse while his boss wife is on a book tour and the nannies (also paid for by TLC) are at home watching the PLUS 8.

Here’s Jon’s statement as it was released to the press. The strikeouts are well, how shall we say, the subtext.


“Like most cheating husbands people, I have male and pretend female friends and I’m not going to end my friendships just because Kate threatened to take my sportscar away I’m on TV.  However, being out with them drunk off my butt without my wedding band late at night showed poor judgment on my part.  What makes me sick is that my horny careless behavior has put Kate in a fierce rage binge so scary I wet my pants my family in this uncomfortable position.  Doing bodyshots off that tight 19 year old sorority girl My family is the most important thing in my life and Kate will kill me if it kills me that these allegations have hurt them or our shot at a three year pick-up with TLC.  Kate’s career is taking off and I’m just bitterly hanging on to her coattails a bit lost.  This struggle has definitely put a crapload more some tension on our marriage. It was already hell. Now it’s like hell after a nuclear explosion. Oh dear God can I get my sperm back?


All’s I can say is, good thing TLC’s got that new show waiting in the wings – the one with the family with TEN KIDS!  Ciao, Jon and Kate. Hope you didn’t invest all that money in the stock market!


MOMMY RANT: I know I have made fun of this situation. There’s plenty to make fun of. But the truth is, it’s always the children who suffer when parents behave like morons. We’re all only human. We make mistakes. But get it together people. Once you’ve had kids, they are your priority!

UPDATE: JASON HUMMEL, brother of 23 year old elementary school teacher DEANNA HUMMEL, the woman seen with Jon Gosselin, has come forward confirming the affair.  He shares a house with his sister and says Jon has been there on many occasions, locked away in Deanna’s room with her all night.

Hmm. Sounds like there’s some serious “home-schooling” going on. Careful with those “dangling participles”, Jon! Kate strikes me as the type who has an awesome set of Henckels at home.

UPDATE #2: It just keeps getting better. Turns out Deanna Hummel is in a sex tape that her ex boyfriend made and is shopping. And Deanna was totally okay with her boyfriend making it!

Oh Jon. Please tell me you didn’t “borrow” a camera package that the TLC crew left in your dining room over the weekend, after they wrapped shooting.

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