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Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

Author: toni

~ 05/10/09


Has this ever happened to you? Many mommy friends have shared variations of this story. Here is an amalgam of those stories. Names have been avoided altogether to protect the guilty.


You’re walking around the house, minding your own business. Suddenly nature calls. You duck into the nearest bathroom and just as your delicate flesh hits the cold porcelain… YOU SMELL IT!

Someone…or SOMETHING has been there before you! And oh too recently.  

Yep. It’s your husband. And MAN, it’s BAD! “Oh dear God,” you think, ” What did he have for lunch? Half a bison carcass he came upon in the wilderness that had already been under the hot sun for two days?”

What is it with men? Why can’t they smell like English Rose Gardens….like us?

You’d dash out but you can’t. You’re mid-stream and you know once you start, you’re committed. So you hold your breath. But, dammit, you had A LOT of coffee, so it’s going to be a little while. Longer than you can hold your breath anyway. I mean, you’re not a freakin’ pearl diver for gosh sakes! So you take in a GULP of much- needed AIR through your mouth. Okay. Now you’re not not smelling it, but it’s going THROUGH YOUR MOUTH! And even though you can’t really…you’re convinced you can TASTE IT!

Panicked, you wonder what’s better? The odor moving through your mouth. Over your tastebuds? Or through your nose past the nose hairs, which let’s face it, despite all your plucking are there for the very important purpose of “filtering”.

You think. Well, I KISS my kid with this mouth. I use my tongue to taste my food. Suddenly, you CLAMP your mouth shut and take a DEEP BREATH through your nose. You GAG and wipe. You rush out the door, panties around your ankles (but still taking the time to flush because, well, you’re that kind of thoughtful potty-goer).

As you wash your hands, you glance over into the bedroom to notice that your husband’s lying on the bed, watching the (FILL IN THE NAME OF PROFESSIONAL SPORTS TEAM HERE) game – not a care in the world.


He gives you that “annoyed” look that means – “you’re lucky we don’t have a pre-nup”. And you know nothing’s going to change. He won’t light a match next time. Or do the courtesy “door close/window open”. So you know it’s going to be up to you…you’d better keep your animal instincts on high-alert. And put Haz-Mat on speed dial!


Marriage…it’s all about “sharing”.

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