Oh man, the rumors are a flyin’! You hear this new one that Kate has been having an affair with her bodyguard?! I know, it’s shocking! I was totally floored! KATE HAS A BODYGUARD?!

I mean what the @#$%!? Why does she NEED a bodyguard? Is she the Queen of England? Yeah, maybe in her mind! And from what I’ve seen of her, I can totally imagine her sitting at her vanity at night (after the team of nannies have put the PLUS 8 to bed and Jon’s staying over at the teacher’s house) wearing a tiara and doing the closed-handed, white-gloved wave.  

Look, I don’t know if the rumors are true or not. The tabloids get out of control with this stuff. And there’s no evidence of this affair. (Unlike the photos of a drunken Jon at 2 am with a babe). But I gotta ask myself, what’s really going on here?

How has Kate, a clearly totally in-control, nothing-happens-without-she-has-a-hand-in-it kind of woman, found herself in this completely out-of-control situation?  Unless, it’s not what it seems and she’s secretly COMPLETELY in control! Hmmmm?

Let’s examine the facts. When the show started out, the appeal was watching this middle-class family trying to cope with raising a brood of kids. They were relatable. Average everyday people empathized with their struggle.

Well, CUT TO FIVE YEARS LATER…They’ve moved into a mansion, they drive fancy cars, they’re photographed at celebrity hangouts like Mr. Chow. And while Kate’s crazy haircut hasn’t changed (what’s the deal with that thing anyway?) –I am noticing that the highlights are looking very Jessica Simpson/Jennifer Aniston-ish. You don’t get that many shades of honey and blonde in a corner salon in Pennsylvania. No, siree bob (no pun intended) -that depth of color is only achieved with the help of the Ken Paves of the world. And at a “mortgage payment for the rest of us” price tag.   

The result of all this movin’ on up? Drop off in viewership. Add to that the new TLC show TABLE FOR 12 breathing down their necks… I can see Queen Kate in TOTAL PANIC MODE, trying to figure out how to keep the show alive.

Maybe…and I say MAYBE (this is a rumor I’ve heard) she’s manipulated this whole media thing for the sake of the show. I mean, look how much publicity she and the show have gotten. Heck, I’ll bet folks will tune in just to see if the marriage is headed for train-wreck status! And to see if she’s being MEANER TO JON than usual…which will be hard to imagine but…

I’m not saying it’s true. It’s all horribly cynical. And it’s hard to imagine anyone being that desperate that they’d humiliate themselves for the sake of ratings. What am I saying? I’ve seen CELEBRITY REHAB!

But would Kate do it? I don’t know. She doesn’t seem the type to suffer humiliation very well. On the other hand, once you’ve eaten at Mr. Chow’s, I’m pretty sure it’s hard to go back to Pick Up Stix. I’m just sayin’.

UPDATE (5-15-09): Kate’s brother and his wife, Kevin Kreider and “Aunt” Jodi, who were regulars on the show during it’s first three seasons have come forward with allegations as well. Star Magazine reports:

* Jon told Kevin he believes Kate is having an affair with bodyguard Steve Neild;
* Kate drew up a secret contract that allows Jon to have girlfriends on the side — as long as he stays on the show;
* She has cut off her entire family,  even her parents, and spends less and less time with her eight children while she promotes her career
* Her explosive temper and controlling ways have led to bitter battles between the TV couple.

And Kevin and Jodi reveal why they are no longer on the hit show. Kate freaked out when TLC suggested they be paid for their time. “No one else is getting paid but us!” Kate screamed at her brother. “We’re done!”

And further proof that Kate is delusional, she told Entertainment Weekly that EVERYONE wants her hairdo, but not everyone can pull it off because they don’t have thick, luxurious hair like her.  

EXTRA UPDATE: There are eyewitnesses who as early as yesterday said they saw Kate holding hands with the aforementioned bodyguard.

Kate, Kate, Kate…A bodyguard…really? Who is he protecting you from? All those people who desperately want your hair?