Did you hear about this 66 year-old British business woman  ELIZABETH ADENEY who, brace yourself, is GOING TO HAVE TWINS?! Yep. She went and got herself impregnated. I don’t think it’s appropriate to use the term “pregnant” since it’s unlikely that it happened in the usual way… you know… giant gag-reflex inducing folic acid tablets, ovulation detector kits, frantic phone calls to the spouse screaming “I’m ovulating, get your ass home NOW!”

Nope, I’m pretty sure she did it the newfangled way. Through lots and lots of cash, lots and lots of borrowed eggs and sperm, and lots and lots of medical intervention. Now there’s nothing wrong with that. I have friends who have had to have babies with the help of medical advances in fertility. Just most of them will be ALIVE to see their kids graduate from college!

And this woman isn’t even the oldest! There was a woman in India desperate for a male heir, who gave birth to twins at age 70! I’m gonna be grateful if I can have a successful bowel movement at 70. I can’t imagine passing two kids!

I guess I’m torn about this whole older motherhood thing. I mean, we women have been pushing the envelope for a while now. We’ve been brainwashed into thinking we have all the time in the world. As a result, lots of us had kids later than our mothers did. LOTS LATER in some cases (hence the necessity for all this medical intervention). I’m pretty sure this is Oprah’s fault. Since every delusional movement starts with something Oprah or one of her guests says on her show.

Anyhow, there’s putting off having kids until your career is underway (maybe up to 40-45…I mean 40 is the new 30, right?) and then there’s putting off having kids until…YOU’RE a CARD-CARRYING MEMBER OF AARP!

What is the point of this? I guess it’s so you’ll have tons of time to hang out with your kid. Although I’m pretty certain 2 year-olds aren’t too gung-ho about hanging out in BINGO HALLS or in front of the HOME SHOPPING NETWORK.

Small children do however, usually have their dinner early. This could work out as the the cut-off time for the senior dinner specials at Denny’s is around 4pm. And think of how cheap the meals will be! You get the KIDDIE MEAL (which is always a loss-leader) AND the SENIOR DISCOUNT! Which, when you think about it is good, since mommy’s on a fixed income.

But does Medicare cover pediatric visits?  And how do the seniors at your retirement village feel about a toddler pooping in the pool during the early morning water-robics class. Also, arthritis and those complicated strollers DO NOT MIX! Neither do memory loss and playdate schedules.

Look. I’m all for women experiencing the joys of motherhood. Seriously, I don’t think anyone should miss it if they can avoid it. And hey, men can father children their entire lives – which in my book is about as unfair as menopause, PMS and lack of equality in pay. But that’s for another rant.

Let’s talk about the reality here. Maybe initially we become mothers out of our own needs and desires. But when we BECOME mothers, those needs and desires take a back seat to the needs and desires of the humans we bring into the world. And we have to think, how will those little human beings be affected?

Children NEED the attention and energy of their parents. But older parents can lack BOTH. Don’t get me wrong. I know many 60+ women who are vibrant and full of energy. And they’re happy to watch after children…as long as they can give them back in a couple of hours. Know why? Because there’s regular “take the kids for a Happy Meal and to see a movie energy” and then there’s” caring for a kid 24/7 without a break…EVER!” energy. Hey, I’m far from 66 and I have trouble keeping up with my 7 year old! And having your kid raised by a nanny doesn’t count. If YOU’RE having the kid, YOU should be the parent. And don’t your kids deserve to have you around in their lives as they go through it?  Won’t your DAUGHTER want you there to help pick out her wedding dress or a grad school? Or hold her first born while giving unwanted advice about how best to raise a child? And your SON will want you to see him try his first case in court (perhaps having to do with fertility ethics?). Don’t YOU want to to be there for all that and then some? Isn’t this  the whole “Circle of Life” thing that Elton was singing about?

Let’s face it, menopause evolved for a reason. So women STOP birthing kids and SPEND the rest of their lives and every single, little, last drop of their youth and energy raising them to adulthood. (Also to make our husbands too afraid of us to wander).

Besides where’s the payback? I don’t know about you. But I didn’t spend all that time diapering Julia for nothing. She’s gonna diaper me when I’m older.  Now that’s the “Circle of Life” at it’s finest. How can this happen if both mother and child are in diapers at the same time? It can’t.

Plus, there is NO WAY it’s right to go through stretch marks and wrinkles at the same time. That’s well, just plain UNNATURAL.

 

SHOULD THERE BE A LEGAL CUT-OFF AGE FOR A WOMAN TO HAVE A BABY?