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Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

Author: toni

~ 05/19/09


So I got this new pair of jeans. They’re really cute and hip. The kind Randy the perfekt husband has been urging me to get. “Nobody wears Lee jeans!” he says. Well, nobody except me. What can I say? They fit my body.  

Okay. So now I’m wearing one of those really expensive jeans that would pay for three months of Julia’s dance tuition. But here’s the problem. They’re cut REALLY LOW. I’m talking “bend over to tie your kid’s shoe and reveal to the world what your gynecologist sees” kind of low.

So now I’ve traded my jeans dilemma for an underwear dilemma. And I thought THAT dilemma was taken care of last year when I got rid of all my granny panties (also at Randy’s behest). I replaced them with cute little colorful skimpy panties. Only apparently, not skimpy enough. Because a good inch of them creeps up over the waist of these hip, expensive jeans!

“A thong,” my friend Patrice suggested. A THONG?! I tried a thong. Granted it was years ago. But I couldn’t take it!

I pretty much feel about underwear the way I feel about TOES and TONGUES. You shouldn’t be “aware” of their existence. (Well, unless the tongue belongs to someone else). If you are, it’ll distract you to MADNESS! Plus, there’s that weird feeling between my cheeks. (And I’m not talking about the cheeks housing my tongue). Whoever described it as dental floss was WRONG! It’s more like, rappelling down a mountain with a thick rope between your legs. I could tolerate that feeling in order to escape a CHARGING BEAR or make it to a rendezvous point where rescuers would whisk me away to a hot bath and comfy bed…but for hip jeans? I dunno.

Maybe it’s like flip-flops. I remember when I first succumbed to wearing them, that little piece of rubber between my toes made me nuts! It even hurt. But then, after a while, I developed callouses…then I didn’t even feel it anymore. 

So maybe, if I start wearing the thongs for a few days – a callous will develop (you know, DOWN THERE). And then I won’t feel a thing! Of course, the danger is that I won’t feel ANYTHING down there anymore. So which is better…to LOOK good, or FEEL good?

I hear Target has some cute thongs on sale.

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