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Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass


Author: toni

~ 05/26/09

A while back Randy the perfekt husband and I got into a pretty heated discussion. To suggest that there were “raised voices” is an understatement. But lemme just say how glad I am we live in new construction with those energy efficient (and thereby pretty damn soundproof) double-paned windows. Although the houses in our hood are sooo close together that anyone looking out their window could easily see that the violent gesticulating was NOT the result of a friendly game of charades.  (Besides I’m pretty sure there’s no song, book or movie with a “middle finger” in the title).

Anyhow, we shouted discussed vociferously about, of all things, how best to handle helping our daughter Julia with an upcoming book report. Now mind you she’s only in first grade. Yet the passion we both felt on this topic was akin to what those warring nations must feel when trying to discuss their “differences of opinion” at the UN without the benefit of weapons of mass destruction. (Although the blender on the center island could have made an effective projectile if I had a smidge more Italian blood in me).

Anyway, though I’m sure I’ve piqued your curiosity as to the  details of this argument, they are better saved for a subsequent post about the differences between the LAID-BACK PARENT and the ANAL RETENTIVE one (I’ll leave you to guess which I am).

The point is, we had a rare argument in front of our daughter. (The rare part being that it was IN FRONT of our daughter). Nevertheless, we seemed to have trouble controlling ourselves and launched into a flurry of heated exchanges which sent poor Julia RUNNING FROM THE ROOM!

As the “discussion” continued/escalated, with only the 4 foot slab of granite center island keeping us from each other’s jugulars, Julia finally reappeared from whatever dark recess of the house she had been COWERING IN to protect herself from the immaturity of her supposedly “mature” parents.

Dressed in a sheer purple Princess Jasmine robe over her clothes and dark sunglasses with FLASHING BLUE LIGHTS over her eyes, she produced a piece of paper (pictured below) for us to read. It was from Dr. Corbor (the persona she had taken on and that was presently before us).   

On it she had written:

 

 Dr. Corbor  or Dr. Stop Fighting   (apparently an aka)

 From offises around the world  (apparently a successful doctor too!)

 There was a signature spot for Dad and one for Mom beneath which it read:

 If you sine you must stop fighting right now!

 And she had us circle “yes” or “no”, next to our names to signify our intentions.

 

Well, needless to say we didn’t have to think long before signing. (Although okay, I admit, I needed a FEW MORE SECONDS than my husband since I am less mature and consequently more apt to hold on to my anger than he). But we relented and succumbed to the wisdom of a then 6 year-old (who was basically telling us we needed to seriously get a grip) as well as to our better judgment as parents who knew that escalating such a disagreement to such a ridiculous level and in front of our child…was probably not in the best interest of our child OR our marriage.

We “sined” and brought the temperature of the room back to a more comfortable level filled with assurances to our daughter of our love for her.

In the end, I can’t say we came to an absolute agreement with regard to the topic of our argument (cuz let’s face it, we didn’t and likely never will). But WE DID AGREE that we both want what’s best for our kid. And that we can probably come to that conclusion WITHOUT THE RAISED VOICES.

Besides that whole Dr. Corbor thing kind of freaked me out in a Sybil kind of way. And I know I DO NOT want to do THAT to my kid. So if it means curbing my Italian temper…I guess I will…have to drink more wine.

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Author: toni

 

I don’t know WHY COLLEEN HAUSER brought her cancer-stricken son DANIEL back home after defying court-ordered medical treatment and running off with him because chemo was against her religious beliefs. CLICK HERE FOR MY PREVIOUS POST ON THE SUBJECT

Maybe she saw the futility of life on the run – knowing eventually the law would catch up to her. Maybe it was the pleas of her husband, who has supposedly changed his mind about the chemo.  Some reports say it was because she feared going into Mexico as planned for alternative treatments because of stories of violence against Americans. (NOT because that apricot pit stuff and coffee enemas worked soooo well for Andy Kaufman and Steve McQueen).  I’d like to think it was because in the end, she is a mother, and the most important thing to her, above all else, is her son’s well-being.

I can understand not wanting to put your child through the trauma of chemotherapy and all that it entails. It is a toxic and barbaric solution to a devastating illness. No mother should have to face that. No child either. And if the chances were slim, and quality of life so horribly compromised as a result, the decision against it would be more understandable to me.

But there is something like a 90% cure rate of DANIEL HAUSER’s kind of cancer if he does the chemo! 90% people! Almost nothing is 90% in this world! Not your chances of winning the lottery. Or of staying married. Or even getting pregnant – despite what your mother told you in high school! 90% is almost perfect. It’s like an “A” ! Who would pass up an “A”?! No one I know!

The odds Daniel would DIE without the chemo? Almost 100%! Yeah. You do the math. Or if you’re really bad at odds and statistics (or fitting your shoes back into a shoebox) like me – just trust me when I tell you that people who DO understand all that stuff say that you’d have to be OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MIND TO PASS UP THE CHEMO!

Apparently Daniel is still against the chemo. His parents have decided to let the courts decide. Perhaps by taking the decision out of her own hands, Colleen Hauser can feel that she hasn’t turned her back on her own beliefs… I hope so. I can understand that it would be hard for her to feel she has to make a choice between her faith and her son’s life. (Okay. I CAN’T really. It just sounded like the right thing to say.)

Because really, when you’re a mom, is there even a choice? I say NO. I can say that see – because, well….this is MY website. And I’m opinionated that way. You know what else I am? A believer in freedom to believe what you want. Yep. I am sooo  a believer in that….Well, as long as it’s not hurting your kid.

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Author: toni

 

We’ve all had kids who, at one time or another, have had special attachments to their teachers. For Julia, she thought every word that escaped the mouth of her KINDERGARTEN TEACHER was law, set in stone, indisputable. Mom was WRONG. Teacher was ALWAYS RIGHT. That is, until they played FACT or FANTASY in class and her teacher put “fairies” into the FANTASY category. Well THAT ended THAT!  

With boys, sometimes they develop crushes on their FEMALE TEACHERS. Especially if said female teachers are on the young and cute side. We, as moms, smile at the innocent infatuation, knowing it’s part of the growing up process.

I mean, it’s such a common rite of passage that Van Halen immortalized it in a song. That lovely, sweet and eloquent ode to those selfless individuals who inspire and educate our kids called “HOT FOR TEACHER”.  (click the link for the music video).

But sometimes, that infatuation can go TERRIBLY WRONG!

Brace yourselves ‘cuz every mom’s FAVORITE NIGHTMARE TEACHER was back this weekend! And she put a new twist on that old Van Halen ballad!

Remember Mary Kay Letourneau? She was the married teacher and mother of four who, at 34 years old, had a sexual relationship with her 12 year-old student Vili Fuluaau. She got pregnant by him. Went to jail. Was released early on the condition she wouldn’t see him. Saw him anyway. Got pregnant again. Went back to jail to serve out the original sentence (several years).  Did her time. Got out. By then he was “of age” and they got married.

Wow. What a love affair. It makes that whole thing between Lara and Dr. Yuri Zhivago seem like a fleeting trifle.

Well, Letourneau is now 47 and Fuluaau is now 26. And I’m guessing that they’ve realized they can’t live on Oedipal dysfunction love. And since I doubt she’s still sporting her teaching credentials (I’m pretty sure the school board takes them away when you have sex with a 6th grader you’ve known since he was in 1st grade – unless you’re in France) AND since her husband has no discernible skills, other than his inability to JUST SAY NO – they’ve found a new way to make money!

This past Memorial Weekend, they hosted “Hot Teacher Night” at a sports bar in Seattle, Washington. Mary Kay emceed while Vili did the DJ-ing.

Isn’t that sweet? She’s encouraging him to follow his dreams like any mother, uh, wife, would.

Apparently there was a good turn-out. However, more people came to gape at Mary Kay than to listen to Vili spin records. And if that doesn’t cause tension at home, I don’t know what will. I mean, look what’s going on with Jon and Kate.  No one likes living in someone’s shadow.

The irony of the whole thing is that if Mary Kay and Vili started their fling just six years later -say when he was 18 and she was 40 – it would have been TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE. What with this whole COUGAR fad thing (I really HATE that term by the way).  It would have been looked upon in a Demi-Ashton, Madonna-Jesus the hot Latin dancer kind of way. Which, you know, as a woman I don’t think is necessarily bad. I mean, older men have been at it with younger women for years! Why shouldn’t women?

But as a mom. The whole thing CREEPS ME OUT and makes me ANGRY! Because statutory rape is rape. And you can’t tell me there wasn’t some kind of mental issue going on with this grown woman who had sex with a child. Then there’s the issue of her four children from her first marriage, whom she’s totally abandoned. (Their father moved them to Alaska). What kind of mother is she?!

And WHY is it okay for a sex offender to capitalize on their offense? Sure, she’s paid her debt to society. But in my neck of the woods, if there’s a sex offender living within a 5 mile radius, mothers practically grab pitchforks and torches (which I’m not necessarily condoning, I’m just saying). In this case, it’s fun and cute?!  People PAY to see her?! Are you kidding me?!

I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because the offender is a WOMAN and she married her victim. Then again, Woody and Soon-Yi are left pretty much to their own devices. But then yet again, they live in New York City. It’s kind of like the France of the East Coast. What with that French statue in the harbor and the bars being open all hours, right? And as you know the French have no problem with Roman Polanski. But then neither does Jack Nicholson. Oh, my head is spinning. It’s all so complicated.

All’s I can say is, if something like this ever happened with my kid. I’d be heading down to the Home Depot for that pitchfork.

WHERE DO YOU STAND ON THE WHOLE THING?

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Author: toni

~ 05/25/09

 

So last week on The Mammarazi Pages I talked about Julia’s inate love for pink, despite all our efforts to the contrary. 

What I didn’t mention was that the girl has a DARK SIDE.  She’s like that really dark chocolate you can get at Trader Joe’s that’s 70% cocoa -SWEET BUT WITH A REAL EDGE.

I mean, on the one hand she asks Santa for a white sparkly gown, matching slippers and tiara for Christmas. On the other, she’ll sit with me for an episode of “MAN VS. WILD” and watch Bear Grylls cut out the heart from a dead sheep and eat it raw. Randy the perfekt husband covers his eyes and says “Ew! How can you girls watch that?” To which Julia will reply, “What, dad? It’s no big deal. He HAS to eat to survive!”

Other things that don’t bother her: Lord Voldemort in Harry Potter. The Transformer movies (the Michael Bay ones, not the animated ones). The Medusa (which by the way is her favorite Gorgon). The Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland. And creepy Halloween decorations. In fact, she gets to pick one Halloween decoration a year to add to our collection. Does she pick the the string of sparkly pumpkin lights? NOPE! She’ll spend forever in TARGET poring over the gruesome possibilities and inevitably choose something that’s LACKING FLESH, has FLASHING RED EYES and SHRIEKS when it detects motion.

What DOES scare her? MUMMIES. (We have no idea why). And the movie CORALINE.  Other than that, if there’s a show where they sew up a severed finger, she’s there. 

Still, I REFUSE to give in to her begging to see the new TERMINATOR movie. Nu-uh. Ain’t happening.

Beauty among the ruins

DO YOUR KIDS HAVE TWO SIDES TO THEIR PERSONALITIES?

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Author: toni

~ 05/24/09

Happy MOMorial Day. Hopefully today finds you free from your normal Manic Momday routine. So instead of rushing around getting kids dressed for school, packing lunches and rushing for drop-off before heading off to work/chores –  you’re rushing around getting kids into swimsuits and sunscreen, marinating burgers and rushing off to the grocery store for the buns you forgot! And while the last thing you want to do is stand in the checkout line with 100 other forgetful moms, it’s a heckuva lot better than the whining you’ll have to endure if the fruit of your loins have to eat a burger on sliced bread. Talk about GUILT!

Ah, but it’s all good because you’re with the family. And if you’re like us, you appreciate those days because they are few and far between – what with all our hectic schedules.

And while you’re relaxing by the grill, the pool, or in front of the TV – take time out to remember all those that gave their lives so that we might enjoy the freedoms and comforts we have.  And especially make sure to explain it to the kids when they’re COMPLAINING that the snorkel you got them doesn’t match their swim suit or the bouncy house for the cul de sac BBQ isn’t the DOUBLE WIDE with the SLIDE some friend had at THEIR birthday party last month.

As for us at MAMMAKAZE, we’re taking the day off from  our regularly scheduled programming to spend time with Randy the perfekt husband, and Crown Princess Julia Ann. But do come back tomorrow because we have lots on our minds – as usual!

In store this week on MAMMAKAZE:

  • The Dark Side of Sweetness – how can a child love pink teddy bears and still think it’s cool to watch Bear Grylls eat a sheep’s heart on that survival show?
  • Contract Not To Fight – When Parents argue, kids can sometimes make the best diplomats
  • HOT TOPIC: Whatever Happened to bad teacher Mary Kay Letoruneau? You’ll NEVER believe what she’s up to now!
  • Also – Good Mommies in Movies
  • And a recipe for a Lo-Cal Long Island Iced Tea

 Have fun! Be Safe! Come visit tomorrow AND ALL WEEK!

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Author: toni

~ 05/21/09

 

The drink this Friday is a MOJITO! Why Mojitos you ask? Well, I like the way it tastes. And almost more  importantly I like the way it sounds when I say it really fast and with a Spanish accent.

Try it.  “Mojito!” See? Didn’t that make you feel all, I don’t know, exotic and tropical with a dash of daring? I don’t know about you but it brings on this fantasy of me decked out in one of those off-the-shoulder peasanty blouses, a twirly skirt, some gigantic JLo hoop earrings and a ripped Islander with an eye patch.

Why lo-cal you ask? Because there’s a reason the above is only a fantasy.  Also, it’s Memorial Weekend and I promised Julia we’d make our debut at the community pool.

So, here’s a guilt-free cocktail to get you in the holiday weekend mood! 

Lo-Cal Mojito 


3/4 oz fresh lime juice

1 packet Splenda

4-5 fresh mint leaves

1 ½ oz light rum

2 oz club soda

glass of ice cubes

 

Pour lime juice into glass. Add mint and Splenda, stir until dissolved. Add rum and ice cubes, followed by club soda. Garnish with a fresh spring of mint.

 

(NOTE: While I normally encourage creative substitution, in this case fresh mint is REALLY IMPORTANT to this recipe so I can’t guarantee the taste if you choose to substitute it with, say, those mint lifesavers from the bottom of your purse. However, if you do, preferably do so WITHOUT the purse lint).

 

Have a wonderful Memorial Weekend.

And remember…don’t feel guilt and drive.

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