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Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

Author: toni

~ 06/21/09


I couldn’t let this Father’s Day pass without a shout-out to Randy, the perfekt husband. After all, he is the reason that I am a MAMMAKAZE to begin with. (Well, the MAMMA part. Not the KAZE -killing myself by trying to do it all part. I bring that on myself).

And when I say he’s the reason I’m not just talking about the sperm donorship of the whole thing either. Although every time I look at JULIA, I feel my heart squeeze with gratitude for that perfect little microscopic squirmy-tailed bundle of genetic material that beat out millions of others to knock some sense into my stubborn egg.

Truth be told, before I met Randy, I didn’t even want to become a mom. EVER. NEVER EVER.

Yep. You heard that right. There was almost NO MAMMAKAZE! GASP! WHY, YOU ASK?  I had a mess of a childhood where I witnessed such awful marital and familial dysfunction that it put me off well, marrying and having a family. I had a stepfather about which the less said the better. (I never knew my real dad until I was an adult). I know it sounds sooo cliche. But NO FAITH + NO TRUST = NO DICE.

And then I met Randy. Actually, I’d known him for years. Met him at USC when we were both struggling students. After a rough start in which I called him an “asshole” in writing class, we became fast friends. ((He has since forgiven me for that… other things are still pending). But the timing wasn’t right for the two of us for a long time. One of us was always with someone else when the other was available.

And besides, it never occurred to me to think of Randy “in that way”. Not even when I would go out to dinner with him (as friends) and come home and tell my female roommates “I wish P*** (my bf at the time) could be more like Randy!” I mean, he was SO NICE. I wasn’t used to nice.

And then I went through a bad break-up and a Year of Great Depression during which all those trust and faith issues came to a head, like a bad pimple. And guess who popped up for me during that time? Yep. Randy.

As I emerged from the darkness, I looked at Randy and I understood–this hunk of cute man meat is what a life partner is really supposed to look like. Stable, kind, understanding, funny, fiercely devoted, trustworthy, NICE and without one single ounce of doubt about where he stood on things. Ambivalence – not in his vocabulary. 

Unfortunately, he was living with someone else. Or so I thought. So after I bagged on one of our “friend” dinners, I confessed to him that it was because I was attracted to him and I knew he was with someone else and I didn’t feel right about it. To my delight, he informed me that he had just broken up with her. Well…

Within four months we were engaged! But I knew before then I would marry him. I remember the moment.  I was going to West Virginia to meet my real dad for the first time. It was a very nerve-racking experience, not knowing how I would be received. Would I be accepted? Would I be loved? Randy soothed and assured me through the whole experience. He walked me to and from the gate at the airport. (My ex barely let off the gas when he dropped me in the white zone- he took that UNLOADING ONLY rule very seriously). And when I got home to my apartment after my return there, at the foot of my bed, was an ANTIQUE CHEST I had seen some weeks before while shopping with Randy. There were several drawers in it. I went to open a random lower drawer and in that very drawer was a note that simply said, “I love you.”

At that moment, I knew…I WOULD be loved. And it was Randy, who truly is a force of nature, who helped restore the faith and trust that had gone missing in me so long ago. And HE made me believe that marriage could be good with the right person. And I came to believe that I WANTED to be a mom. Because I knew I could give my child something I hadn’t known growing up, A GOOD FATHER.

So thank you Randy, my human tsunami, for helping me rediscover my faith and trust.  And for giving me a beautiful child who has inspired me to be the best mom I can be

If it wasn’t for you, I would have missed out on one of the most profound, moving, exhausting, and deliriously amazing adventures in life…being a mom.

I love you. And thank you for being such a WONDERFUL FATHER. You are the greatest gift I could ever have given Julia. She may not understand that yet, but one day, when she is a grown woman brimming with faith and trust instilled in her by you, she will.

Happy Father’s Day!

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  1. Happy Father’s Day to all fathers everywhere. You, Mrs. Mammakaze hit the “motherload” when you met Randy (Mr. Perfekt). Reading this (while crying) made me “fall in love” with Randy and you know how synical I am about men in general. I am so happy that you found
    Mr. Perfekt and you and Miss Julia are very lucky ladies!

    I was very fortunate as I had a great father who I miss very much.

    Comment by MomofMaci — June 21, 2009 @ 10:33 am

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