Well, in keeping with the strong desire I have to HUNT DOWN and PUNCH OUT the guy in the gray Volvo SUV who sideswiped Randy the perfekt husband and then DROVE OFF forcing us to fork over the $1000 deductible required by our insurance to fix our Prius… I’m doing a PUNCH recipe today.

And while I won’t be joining my fellow Mammakazes in a cocktail this week (I’m on antibiotics) I hope you enjoy this yummy recipe.

 

SUMMER FRUIT PUNCH  

2 cups diced stone fruit (apricots, plums, peaches, nectarines)

2 cups apricot juice

2 cups sparkling wine

1 cup seltzer

 

Combine diced fruit, apricot juice, sparkling wine and seltzer. Divide among 4 ice-filled glasses.
Non-alcoholic version: Substitute sparkling cider for the wine.

NUTRITION INFORMATION: Per cocktail: 203 calories; 1 g fat (0 g sat, 0 g mono); 0 mg cholesterol; 29 g carbohydrate; 2 g protein; 2 g fiber; 5 mg sodium; 324 mg potassium.

Nutrition bonus: Vitamin A (50% daily value), Vitamin C (30% dv).

2 Carbohydrate Serving

Exchanges: 2 fruit

Per mocktail: 173 calories; 1 g fat (0 g sat, 0 g mono); 0 mg cholesterol; 43 g carbohydrate; 1 g protein; 2 g fiber; 18 mg sodium; 347 mg potassium.

Nutrition bonus: Vitamin A (50% daily value), Vitamin C (30% dv).

3 Carbohydrate Servings

Exchanges: 2 fruit

 

Remember…don’t feel guilt and drive.

My 7 year-old JULIA has done plenty to avoid doing something she doesn’t want to do. Like pretending she has a tummy ache, pretending she’s too tired and the perennial favorite, pretending like she didn’t hear me.

Know what she’s never done? Stolen a car. But hey, she’s got 7 more months of being seven. The year is young.

 

Here’s a 7 year-old KID in Utah who stole a car to AVOID GOING TO CHURCH! Yep. That’s right. He said it was “too hot to go to church”.

Probably not as hot, I’m guessing, as where his parents told him he would go if he ever stole a car again.

 

Note to parents: Hold on to the car keys and pass the collection plate…sounds like the church needs central air.

 

Welcome back to BAD MOMMIES IN MOVIES on MAMMAKAZE. It’s where we present movies with really, really bad moms that make us feel good about our less than perfekt parenting skills.  Hence a feeling of VINDICATION! 

Today we look at a couple of CLASSIC FILMS. A noir great and a, well, Roger Corman film. Nuff said.

So grab the clicker, a glass of Chardonnay and wash that guilt right outta your hair!

 

  CHINATOWN –  Faye Dunaway makes our list again playing a bad mommy in what is considered one of the greatest noir films of all time. It’s not that Faye is mean or abusive to the sister/daughter she has spawned as a result of an incestuous relationship with her powerful and abusive father (played with maximum creeposity by John Huston). In fact, Faye seems to love her daughter very much. But she is a bad mom because she never musters the strength to take her daughter far away from the girl’s abusive father/grandfather who you know in your heart is going to abuse his daughter/granddaughter the same way he abused his daughter. It goes without saying, YOU’D never find yourself in such a mess. DUH. A very downbeat ending. But worth the watch because, well, everyone should see Chinatown.

 

  BIG BAD MAMA – An oldie but low-budget goody. This 70s precursor to the series WEEDS features Angie Dickinson as a mom who, out of desperation, takes over her dead boyfriend’s bootlegging business to make ends meet. And did we mention she takes her two TEENAGED DAUGHTERS along for the ride? A ride which includes gun battles, sex with William Shatner (yeah the guy from STAR TREK and BOSTON LEGAL) and lots of poor parenting judgment.  Watch this if you are in the mood for Roger Corman-esque schlock. Laugh at all the inappropriate places and then pat yourself on the back for having better judgment as a mom. No gun battles for you and your little ones!

 

 

 

FYI: If you CLICK ON THE TITLE you can go to Amazon to purchase the dvd. This is the case with all dvds and books reviewed on this website.

 

It’s true. I’m like Uma Thurman!

Well, except for the perfect body, the international stardom, the fact that a movie star fathered her children and being engaged to a billionaire financier….Oh and also I don’t have a stalker. Unless you count the FedX guy who keeps trying to leave that package but I’m not home. Other than that, I’m EXACTLY like her. Know how? Mommy guilt.

Yep. Apparently Uma, with all her glamour and financial resources, still cannot manage to avoid the pitfalls of the “G” word.  

Uma has confessed that she found it really difficult being a mom because she felt GUILTY making time for herself.

“The chaos and the confusion – and also the loss of yourself,” Uma divulged.

“Any mother that doesn’t give herself up isn’t a good mother, but at the same time you can get to a point where you can’t reach the identity that helped you be stable in the first place – and that is quite a frightening feeling.

“I must have gone through years . . . of confusion. Guilty of being torn in half. Your happiness depends on… what’s your shame level today? What have you forgotten, what did you do wrong, what could you do better?,” Thurman admitted.

“I went to see a doctor a few years ago and he said, ‘I’m going to write you a prescription’, and I went OK, what’s he giving me a prescription for?

“And he wrote down on the pad: Hotel: one night a week.”

 

See? I’m just like Uma!  Well, except for the time and inclination to whine to a doctor about my feelings, the resources to stay in a 5 star hotel once a week to “get away from it all”, and the NANNY to take care of my kids while I do it. But other than that, I AM JUST LIKE UMA!

Wonder if gynecologists give prescriptions for Xanax?

 

Did you know that we women begin losing half a pound of muscle a year starting at age 35? That means that so far I’ve lost… well, we won’t go into numbers because I know you know how to do math and it is my policy not to age and tell.

The point is, it sucks. The good news is, you can stop or even reverse the muscle loss with weight training. This according to exercise guru SHARON MANN.

Cool. That is if you have the time and inclination to lift weights on a regular basis.

Know who does? Madonna. Apparently her fear of muscle loss has reached PHOBIC LEVELS.  I mean, look at those arms! Too bad the fillers she uses on her face can’t be applied to her limbs. Someone needs to tell her that she can’t LITERALLY “FIGHT” AGING, so she can let up on the Military Presses already!

Granted I want to look good when I turn 50. But, is this really good? Remember during their ugly divorce GUY RITCHIE said that having sex with MADONNA was like “cuddling a piece of gristle.”  Ouch! That’s gotta hurt. Both of them, apparently.

I don’t know about you, but looking at this picture kind of makes me feel better about my squidgy, muscle- losing self.

Maybe there’s something to be said for this whole AGING GRACEFULLY thing. Eat and exercise in moderation so we stay healthy and able to keep up with the kids. But don’t fight nature tooth and nail… and sinewy gristle. Well, unless you’re vying for the part of The Cryptkeeper in the new big screen version of Tales From the Crypt 3-D. Then by all means, claw away.

 

WHAT DO YOU THINK? GOOD OR BAD? SEXY? SINEWY? MEN! WE’D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU ABOUT THIS “LOOK”.

 

Okay. I know I posted this picture once before. But I needed it again to make a point about GENDER CONFUSION. No, I’m not talking about the kind that emerges in the teen years and involves black eyeliner or Birkenstocks. This gender confusion starts right after birth.

As family folklore goes, when Randy the perfekt husband was a baby he was so pretty that everyone kept thinking he was a GIRL! This was very troubling to his parents.

I know many parents who have experienced the same thing. They’re shopping in Target, newborn snuggled in his carrier. Then some well-meaning Grandma type comes up and says “Oh, what a pretty little girl!”

CRINGE! Now it’s an embarrassing situation for all. For mommy who has to correct Granny. For Granny who is mortified at her mistake. And for Daddy most of all, who DOES NOT appreciate that his son, a chip off the old block, has been mistaken for a human of the XX chromosome persuasion. Uh, not that there’s anything wrong with that. 

It’s all pretty ridiculous really… because when babies come out, they’re squished-up, wrinkled, double-fisted, squinchy-eyed little blobs. It’s hard to tell they’re human, let alone what gender category they fall into. I mean, we parents probably wouldn’t even be able to tell the difference if it weren’t written on the birth certificate… oh and for the 10,000 diapers we change that first year.

Still, as cool and unaffected as we parents want to come off about such things, we compensate. How? CLOTHING and ACCESSORIES!

Yep. You’ve seen it. Heck, you’ve probably DONE IT! You put girls in pink. With bunnies or butterflies on their onesies. Stick a bow in their hair (as pictured). And if the girl doesn’t have hair yet? Well, you’ve seen those BANDS that go around the baby’s head with a bow attached. You know some smart mommy invented that bald baby hair band after recognizing an insecurity in the market.

As for boys. We put them in blue or green. Stripes or better yet, images of soccer balls, footballs, TRUCKS! The bigger the trucks the better.  Best if it’s the kind of truck that digs dirt or demolishes something. And for safety, make sure that the little hanging toy on the handle of his carrier features a logo of daddy’s favorite college sports team. When baby reaches for it, if they’re even to that point yet, it lights up and plays marching band music. So what it startles the baby into a crying jag? At least dad won’t be startled by anyone calling his son a girl.

Oh yes, this gender distinguishing clothing is a BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY. And there’s a reason for it!

PARENT EMBARRASSMENT AT GENDER CONFUSION. Heck, I’ll bet there’s even a chapter on it in advertising school.

 

So my question is…

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MAKE SURE YOUR KID WASN’T MISTAKEN FOR THE OPPOSITE SEX? OR ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE PARENTS THAT TRULY ISN’T UPTIGHT ABOUT IT?