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Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass


Author: toni

~ 07/27/09

WARNING: SOME GRAPHIC CONTENT

 

Remember my post earlier this month about MEN and FIREWORKS? Specifically, their attraction to blowing things up at the risk of their fingers and eyes?

Well, here’s another thing that makes me absolutely convinced that the difference between men and women is in their hard-wiring.

THE ANNUAL RUNNING OF THE BULLS IN PAMPLONA, SPAIN.

Every year thousands of SUICIDAL MANIACS MEN take part in this moronic exhilirating ritual of showing off their stupidity bravery by harrassing dangerous animals running alongside magestic beasts through the streets of Pamplona, Spain.  

This year, to everyone’s absolute shock one of the bulls turned and attacked some runners. I mean, can you imagine that? A wild, dangerous animal feeling confused and threatened, turning on people? What is wrong with that creature? Doesn’t he know it’s all in good fun? Who wouldn’t be shocked by this turn?

Tragically, one young man was killed. But hey, I’m sure if he was alive and could speak he’d say it was all worth it because it was SOOO FREAKIN’ COOL! At the very least, I’m sure his MOM feels that way.

See, we women don’t need to run with bulls. We get plenty of adrenalin rushes on a daily basis. Like when we spot our toddler with a rubber ball in his mouth. Or the fever won’t break despite alternating Motrin and Tylenol. Or we pull a load of clothes out of the dryer and discover we forgot to check the pockets for old gum. Or when we realize our period is over a week late!

NOTE: I know someone will send me a comment about how some women do the run too. Yeah. Yeah. I’m sure there are some women out there who do it. But I’ll wager those women have also stepped into a boxing ring or could beat up your brother with one hand tied behind their back. At the very least they’re sporting a tattoo that says HUSBAND BEATER on their forearm.

Here’s the official word on that from the website Pamplona Tours. You know, in case chasing after toddlers isn’t challenging or satisfying enough.

Do women run with the bulls?
“Women do run with the bulls, however, the majority of participants are men. Locals may look surprised if you are a woman running because it is considered a macho act for men to run, but not for women. With that being said, men or women participants must be prepared to take care of themselves on the course. The fear of a bull chasing someone takes away any sort of chivalry a woman may expect from a man.”

BOTTOM LINE: So if it ticks you off when I guy won’t open the door for you, chances are the bull run isn’t for you.

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Author: toni

~ 07/26/09

 

Hey Mammakazes! It’s official. The CRUD has hit me. No, not the SWINE FLU or the virus that’s hit our cul de sac. I am suffering from my semi-annual allergy-induced sinitis that is threatening to turn into bronchitis. So instead of preparing my post, I’m going to read to my kid and then I’M GOING TO BED! 

  

Therefore, my post is running late today. It will be up later this morning. Check back later!

Thanks for you patience.

 

Toni

Head mom with a headache

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Author: toni

~ 07/23/09

Today’s Blunder Then Blender recipe is in honor of Gidget, the Taco Bell chihuahua, who died this week of a stroke at age 15. You remember Gidget and her famous line “Yo quiero Taco Bell.”  

Truth is, I’ve never “quiero’d” Taco Bell myself. But if I was gonna, it would have been Gidget to push me across the border. She was cute and funny. And probably had no clue what the heck she was being made to do. But I hope she had a good life anyway…with lots of kibble and a big doggie pillow. And that she wasn’t exploited by the humans around her, as humans tend to do.

What does any of this have to do with needing a cocktail to wash away guilt? It reminded me that I STILL haven’t gotten Julia a dog. 

Anyway, here’s to you, Gidget!  Hope you’re having fun in the big dog run in the sky!

 

THE SALTY CHIHUAHUA 

 

Coarse salt (optional)

4 ounces tequila, divided

2 ounces orange-flavored liqueur, such as Cointreau, divided

3 cups grapefruit juice, divided

4 grapefruit slices for garnish

 

Wet the rims of 4 glasses and coat with coarse salt (if desired); fill the glasses with ice. Pour 1 ounce tequila and 1/2 ounce liqueur into each. Top each with 3/4 cup grapefruit juice and stir. Garnish with a slice of grapefruit.

NUTRITION INFORMATION: Per cocktail: 188 calories; 0 g fat (0 g sat, 0 g mono); 0 mg cholesterol; 23 g carbohydrate; 1 g protein; 0 g fiber; 3 mg sodium; 303 mg potassium.

Nutrition bonus: Vitamin C (120% daily value), Vitamin A (15% dv).

1 1/2 Carbohydrate Servings

Exchanges: 1 fruit, 1/2 other carbohydrate

 

Remember, don’t feel guilt and drive. And if you’re gonna drive…drive thru Taco Bell and get a chalupa in honor of Gidget.

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Author: toni

We at MAMMAKAZE are all about doing things the EASY WAY. Not because we’re lazy (although we are, a little). But because, let’s face it, there’s enough in life that sucks up time and energy. Things like work, cooking, cleaning, raising kids, keeping our husband “happy”. I mean, where’s the “ME” TIME?!?

Here’s something to shave some seconds off your day. And if you shave enough seconds, in a few years, you might have accumulated enough time to get that mani-pedi you’ve been dreaming about. Okay, maybe just the pedi. Without the flower. Oh, and no stopping under that weird purple light that’s supposed to dry the polish faster, but which I think is a crock and really just an excuse to keep you around longer so those ladies make fun of your cracked heels and corns in another language.

HOW TO OPEN A BANANA LIKE THE PROFESSIONALS – MONKEYS

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Author: toni

~ 07/22/09

Welcome to movie math, where we review movies and see if they ADD UP to family fun!

 

ICE AGE 3-D: DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS – You know what I didn’t like about the series THE FLINTSTONES? It perpetuated the false idea that MAN and DINOSAURS co-existed. Remember Dino and Fred? Well, just when that generation of kids finally grew up and got things straight… 

Along comes ICE AGE 3-D: DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS. Yep, Manny, Sid, Diego and Ellie are back. And they’ve apparently run out of storylines. And what do you you do when you run out of storylines? You “jump the shark”. Oh, wait. That was Fonzie on HAPPY DAYS.

You add dinosaurs to the mix!  Yep, despite a little time gap of about, oh, 65 million years, between the Mesozoic Era and Ice Age, our wooly mammoths and saber-toothed tigers and sloths and other mammal-y friends encounter a lost world of dinosaurs. Guess that meteor wasn’t completely extinction level.

Where’s your suspension of disbelief, you ask? It’s an animated kids movie! I lost it in the same place where there the filmmakers lost their sense of story, humor, intelligence, etc. You know, if this movie had any of those things, I might have gone with the JULES VERNE aspect of this latest plot. But there was nothing to appease me. Not even SCRAT or the fact that the ever cool SIMON PEGG (Sean of the Dead and Star Trek) plays the voice of BUCK the…what the heck was that mammal anyway? The stylized animation in this movie makes it a little hard to tell.

Other things to throw into a film when you’ve run out of ideas: babies (Ellie is with child), road trips (to a subterranean tropical land pre fossil fuels) oh, and 3-D which, these studios are obviously hoping, will distract us from little story issues like…gaping plot holes and 2 dimensional characters.

Did Julia enjoy it? Sure. Like a 7 year-old will enjoy anything that allows her to wear 3-D glasses and watch animated characters run around, acting nutty all the while knowing she’s getting a Ben and Jerry’s right after. Was she resoundingly joyful when the final credits rolled? Eh, not so much. She LOVED the ice cream though!

Me? The 3-D wasn’t stunning enough to keep my mind from wandering (translation, I dozed a couple of times). And afterwards, I found myself really resenting the extra bucks I paid to have annoyance and mediocrity COME OUT AT ME from the screen. I like my annoyance and mediocrity in 2-D where I don’t feel I have to swat it away from my nose.

And yet, this movie is a hit. Just goes to show you how desperate we mommies are to come up with something, anything to keep our kids from bouncing off the walls during summer break.

BORED PARENT + MILDY ENTERTAINED KID = SAVE IT FOR DVD NIGHT AT HOME

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Author: toni

~ 07/21/09

 

So did you hear that PRESIDENT OBAMA went out to throw the ceremonial first pitch at the MLB All-Star Game in St. Louis? Yep. And did reporters comment on his his arm? His precision?  His overall athleticism or lack thereof? Nope! They commented on his choice of jeans: Accusing Obama of wearing MOM JEANS!

And by using the term MOM JEANS, they were hurling an insult! Know why? Cuz apparently “Mom Jeans” means FRUMPY JEANS! Don’t believe me? Obama verified it himself by responding to the accusation by admitting that he “did look a little FRUMPY”. So he’s in on it too! Hey Barack! How would you like it if we said we were feeling “Obamish” and by that we meant in the mood to check out some 18 year-old girl’s butt at the G8 Summit? Hurts, doesn’t it?

When the heck did MOM become synonymous with things frumpy, unattractive and unappealing? I’m sorry, but I take GREAT OFFENSE to this negative mom reference.

And this isn’t the first time I have heard it either! I remember when JESSICA SIMPSON, during her downward spiral into obscurity (which by the way is near completion since her recent birthday dumping by Tony Romo- ouch!) performed at some state fair in what paparazzi termed “MOM JEANS”. (See picture right). Yeah. They’re some butt ugly jeans. But why does that mean they’re MOM JEANS?

I don’t know any moms who wear jeans like that! Obviously 29 year-old childless has-beens who are pimped-out by their fathers wear them. Maybe they should be Jessica Simpson Jeans.

Who came up with this term anyway? And what moms do they hang out with? Not any of the moms I know, thank you very much. The moms I know wear jeans with labels like Lucky Brand and Diesel. And even if they aren’t brand names, they’re cute and tight and ride so low that the tops of their thongs show! Real moms aren’t into comfort! It’s all about style! And flash! And, yeah, some “flashing” if you bend over too far to tie your kid’s shoe. THOSE are the “REAL MOMS OF TODAY” JEANS!  

Okay. I admit, I own one pair of Lee jeans. BUT, in my defense it is a pair from their cute, hip line. Yeah, Lee has a line like that. Or they did when I got them as freebies in a giveaway promotion. No elastic waistlines that actually sit AT YOUR WAIST, these jeans! No siree-bob. These jeans are just as uncomfortable and tight and show as much crack as any $150 Diesel pair you can buy at Nordstroms.

The point is, the term “Mom Jeans” is a misogynistic slur. That’s right. It’s woman-hating. I’m a woman. And I HATE IT! As long as this term is permitted to be bandied about it will perpetuate the stereotype of mommies as badly dressed, dowdy, plain, frumpish, old-fashioned, outdated, shabby, sloppy, stodgy and GASP! dare I say it…   unstylish! 

We mommies can’t allow that! We need to UNITE AGAINST IT! Okay. I know. Who has the time? Whatever precious few seconds we have to ourselves we spend sleeping or squeezing into our stylish jeans.

At the very least we need a JESSE JACKSON equivalent who will stick their face in the camera every time the term is used… point the finger of shame and fight for our right to be perceived as COOL!  ANY TAKERS?

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