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Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

Author: toni

~ 08/16/09

No. That’s not a typo in the title. This is not or The Daily News. We proofread here. (And if I DO miss something my friend Jennie graciously points it out).

See, a while back I found a GASP! gray eyebrow. You thought I was gonna say gray hair. Please. Been there done that. About two years ago.  It led to my coloring my hair for the first time in my life. A real step for me since I vowed not to tinker with my God-given color. Especially since, during my childhood, I saw my mom color her hair every color found in nature…and some not so much. What the hell color is Strawberry Blonde, anyway? 

I knew the damage coloring could do. Not just to hair but to a KID’S PSYCHE! You know how husband’s say that they feel like they’re sleeping with a different woman when their wives change their hair color? Well as a kid, I felt like I had a half dozen different moms! There was the auburn-haired Italian mamma, the strawberry blonde pop tart, the platinum blonde glamour queen, the red-headed fireball, the cocoa brown housewife and the black haired brooder.  Her hair seemed an outward depiction of her various moods. And life with her was like a box of Miss Clairol. You never knew which number you were gonna get.

So anyway, not wanting to subject my kid to that kind of schizophrenic behavior, I stayed the course with the natural hair. That is, until the grays started sprouting. And okay, I decided to “cover it up”. No biggie. Except the EXTRA COST and the fact that my hair has NEVER looked my natural color since. It’s always redder. Even when it’s brown it’s got red in it. Did you notice that?

Then, the gray eyebrow hair appeared! That was a little more disturbing. I mean. Yikes! That’s crossing a whole other threshold of getting older!  But my friend Patrice who does my hair said “No prob! We’ll color that right up, too!” And she did and cool. Okay. It looked fine.

Then the unspeakable happened. Yep, you guessed it from the title. I found a gray hair….DOWN THERE! Holy crap! The socks I wear to bed and my inability to stay awake past 9:30 are already a turn-off for my husband. Now I’ve got gray PUBS ?!? What the #$@*! Why does this have to happen? What purpose does this serve in nature? To keep people from desiring to procreate past a certain age? Excuse me, but exhaustion handles THAT drive pretty nicely, thank you very much.

Yet another reason blondes have more fun. They don’t notice when their pubs start to go gray!

What do I do? I mean, can you even color “down there”? And WHO would I get to do it? Not Patrice. We’re close and all, but not THAT CLOSE.

And then I thought of one of those Brazilian waxes. No hair, no grays. Right? But I know someone who got one, and she said it hurt almost as much as an episiotomy. I’ve heard the saying “beauty is pain”. But really, unless the end result is a new life being brought into the world, IT SHOULD NOT HURT THAT MUCH DOWN THERE. And frankly, I don’t think that whole birthing thing should hurt that much either. Who the hell is making up these rules?!

Anyway, I don’t want some stranger knowing more about me than my gynecologist. It already bugs me that he’s felt my ovary “from the inside” and I don’t even know if he likes Thai or Mexican food. Uh uh. The list of those familiar with my Southern hemisphere has been closed. Tick Tock, the game is locked. Nobody else can play.

So what’s a girl to do? Shave? Do I really want scruff burn on my inner thighs? How about plucking? I don’t know. That’s a little too National Geographic for me. Plus, again, the pain involved.

I guess I could just live with it. Hey, there’s a thought. I could just ACCEPT the idea that my body is changing and getting more “mature”. I could roll with the punches…pubicly speaking.  I could…dare I say it… AGE GRACEFULLY!……



Anyone know the name of a Brazilian Wax place? I have some Vicodin left over from my C-section. What’s the potency 7 years later? Anyone know that either?

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  1. You are too funny! And it is only 4a.m. here and I don’t dare laugh
    out loud or I’ll wake the household up. I had to put my t-shirt neck in my mouth and bite on it so I wouldn’t laugh out loud.

    OK, here’s my take. This also holds up my theory that God is a man. If he were a woman, he wouldn’t have these things happen to us. Ok, the first white eyebrow hair – my mother told me that it was a dead hair and I pulled it out with tweezers and so far has never come back and you know how old I am. Now for the white hair “down south”, well you use scissors and trim it off. Doesn’t hurt like tweezers and get’s the job done.

    So glad to hear that you are feeling better and I can tell by your post, that you are better. OK, now must move on to do other things like solving “world peace”. Happy day everyone!

    Comment by MomofMaci — August 17, 2009 @ 1:09 am

  2. I had to laugh out loud when I read your post. I ran across this product while searching for something online just last week. I texted Ken right away to give him a laugh too. I have never seen this product before or ever thought of needing to use it, but I am blonde and you were right about not noticing greys as much as other with darker hair colors. Anyway here ya go…..GIGI COLOUR DOWN UNDER…..(And I had to include their pitch too)…. Color has reached the final frontier! No more grey days ahead. Rid yourself of unwanted grey and give hair down there a beautiful boost of color that’s destined to brighten up more than your smile. Choose the shade that is close to your natural color, mix and apply. Set a timer and kick up your feet until it’s ready to wash off. All you need is 15 minutes and a positive attitude and before you know it, you’ve got a gorgeous solution to the dismal greys that used to plague your nights and days.
    That’s all there is. Nothing to mix except water. Our exclusive no peroxide formula does the rest. No lift. Deposits only. Just add water. Covers the grey.

    Just Add Water!

    Comment by klyn58 — August 17, 2009 @ 8:56 pm

  3. Oh klyn58, that is PERFECT! I am going to do some research and share this with the readers! Thanks!

    Comment by toni — August 18, 2009 @ 7:47 am

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