Have you had “the talk” with your kid yet? You know which talk I’m talking about. THE TALK. The one my mom still hasn’t had with me.

Oh wait, come to think of it, there was sort of a talk. I was about 10 or 11. My mom and I were looking through a pattern book (my mom liked to sew). We came across a pattern for a WHITE WEDDING DRESS. Here’s how it went. Oh… and imagine MY MOM speaking in an Italian accent… and being Catholic.

MY MOM: Don’t you think that wedding dress is beautiful?

ME: Yeah, sure.

MY MOM: Wouldn’t you like to WEAR a dress just like that at YOUR wedding?

ME: (having barely imagined boys, let alone my wedding day) Uh, I guess so.

MY MOM: Well, then you’d better be VERY CAREFUL WITH BOYS because if you’re not, you WILL NOT be able to wear that white wedding dress!

Pattern book closed. Mom leaves the room. End of conversation. That was it. Finito. Not another word spoken on the subject. Whatever the hell the subject was… because lemme tell you, I sure didn’t know what the heck she was talking about.

Careful with boys? How can you be careful with boys? By nature they’re a dangerous bunch of monkeys. I had four brothers, they were always poking and punching at me. Half my injuries were from them. And what did that have to do with the wedding dress anyway? Unless somehow the boys would ruin it, like they ruined the carpet when they experimented with my Stepdad’s photo processing chemicals.

Ultimately, I put my confusion down to the language barrier. Like when my mom pronounced Grand Prix, Grand Pricks. Embarrassing but ultimately best ignored.

In the end I learned everything about the birds and the bees like most kids do… from other kids. In my case, Dee Dee Rettigheri. She got a bra in third grade and lemme tell you, it was bigger than my mom’s. She was way ahead of the curve in the curves department… and apparently everything else.  Cuz I heard some details that made me run screaming from the playground. Thank you Dee Dee. Without you, I might still think babies came from storks.

If you’re feeling awkward about your upcoming talk, here’s a video that might help you.

As always, less is more.