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Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

Author: toni

~ 08/24/09


I should have just stayed in bed this morning. If I coulda I woulda. I had a bad night. I was sick…yes still.  My kid was hacking up a lung…allergy induced asthma (courtesy of both daddy and ma).  When I finally did sleep some I woke up with a pounding headache.

Got JULIA ready. Rushed her into the car to so we wouldn’t be late to pick up the neighbor JAKE.  Only to realize (when I got to their front door) that I was supposed to do pick-ups this week. NOT drop-offs.

No matter. I had to take in Julia’s inhaler to the school nurse anyway Which they couldn’t take it last Friday because they needed the pediatrician to fax in some paperwork ($10).

Got to school. Jake dropped his thermos getting out of the car. It rolled under the car and stopped against the right rear tire. As I crawled beneath in my light colored capris I noticed…THE TIRE WAS ALMOST FLAT! Lovely.

Took the kids and inhaler into the school. Drove to the Rite Aid to get a Fix-A-Flat.


RITE AID CLERK: I don’t think we have it but if we did, it’d be in Hardware aisle 6.


They had it. It was in Automotive Aisle 5. Which I found after going down 26 other aisles.

Bought it. A FELLOW CUSTOMER who saw my near flat tire told me of a TIRE PLACE just down the street near the Starbucks. Never noticed it before. Noticed the Starbucks about 150 times.

Drove there, waited an hour.  Went to the Starbucks (151st time) to get a banana so I wouldn’t pass out. Got back, waited 30 more minutes for them to tell me it wasn’t the tire but the rim. Third Honda rim to go bad on this car. Damn you Honda! Put the spare tire on. Came home.

So, I still have a bad tire, a bad headache and am behind on posting. Calgon. Take me Away!


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Author: toni

~ 08/20/09


Woo-Hoo!  it’s Friday. The end of the first week back at school. AND, my eleven year anniversary! Yes, Randy the perfekt husband and I swapped vows 11 years ago today.

Know what all that calls for? If you guessed a nice, cool alcohol-based beverage… you’d be right!  However, I can’t drink alcohol because I’m still sick. So instead, in keeping with the little “What’s a Virgin?” video I posted yesterday, MAMMAKAZE presents an alcohol-free drink today.

I know. Some of you are disappointed. But you can always add a couple of ounces of RUM to taste.

Anyway. Cheers to all of you mommies out there who made it through the first week. A Good Luck Toast to those who still have that hurdle ahead of them.

And a special toast to Randy, the love of my life. Who has stuck with me through thick and thin. For better or for worse. In sickness AND in health. I couldn’t have picked a better companion with whom to travel down this road of life. I LOVE YOU.




2 very ripe bananas
1 cup diced fresh pineapple, plus 4 wedges for garnish
1 cup pineapple juice
1/2 cup “lite” coconut milk
3 cups ice cubes


Puree bananas, diced pineapple, pineapple juice, coconut milk and ice in a blender. Divide among 4 glasses. Garnish with pineapple wedges.

NUTRITION INFORMATION: Per serving: 130 calories; 2 g fat (2 g sat, 0 g mono); 0 mg cholesterol; 28 g carbohydrate; 2 g protein; 2 g fiber; 12 mg sodium; 338 mg potassium.

Nutrition bonus: Vitamin C (52% daily value).
2 Carbohydrate Servings

Exchanges: 2 fruit, 1/2 fat



Remember…don’t feel guilt and drive!

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Author: toni

~ 08/19/09


Have you had “the talk” with your kid yet? You know which talk I’m talking about. THE TALK. The one my mom still hasn’t had with me.

Oh wait, come to think of it, there was sort of a talk. I was about 10 or 11. My mom and I were looking through a pattern book (my mom liked to sew). We came across a pattern for a WHITE WEDDING DRESS. Here’s how it went. Oh… and imagine MY MOM speaking in an Italian accent… and being Catholic.


MY MOM: Don’t you think that wedding dress is beautiful?

ME: Yeah, sure.

MY MOM: Wouldn’t you like to WEAR a dress just like that at YOUR wedding?

ME: (having barely imagined boys, let alone my wedding day) Uh, I guess so.

MY MOM: Well, then you’d better be VERY CAREFUL WITH BOYS because if you’re not, you WILL NOT be able to wear that white wedding dress!


Pattern book closed. Mom leaves the room. End of conversation. That was it. Finito. Not another word spoken on the subject. Whatever the hell the subject was… because lemme tell you, I sure didn’t know what the heck she was talking about.

Careful with boys? How can you be careful with boys? By nature they’re a dangerous bunch of monkeys. I had four brothers, they were always poking and punching at me. Half my injuries were from them. And what did that have to do with the wedding dress anyway? Unless somehow the boys would ruin it, like they ruined the carpet when they experimented with my Stepdad’s photo processing chemicals.

Ultimately, I put my confusion down to the language barrier. Like when my mom pronounced Grand Prix, Grand Pricks. Embarrassing but ultimately best ignored.

In the end I learned everything about the birds and the bees like most kids do… from other kids. In my case, Dee Dee Rettigheri. She got a bra in third grade and lemme tell you, it was bigger than my mom’s. She was way ahead of the curve in the curves department… and apparently everything else.  Cuz I heard some details that made me run screaming from the playground. Thank you Dee Dee. Without you, I might still think babies came from storks.

If you’re feeling awkward about your upcoming talk, here’s a video that might help you.



As always, less is more.

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Author: toni

~ 08/18/09


Okay. Remember my post the other day about FINDING A GRAY HAIR DOWN THERE. Well, a fellow MAMMAKAZE commented on that post and let me know that there is a solution that is less painful than a Brazilian Wax and less humiliating than giving your colorist access to your “flair down there”.  May I present….



According to the ad:

Color has reached the final frontier!  No more gray days ahead.  Give hair down there a beautiful boost of color destined to brighten up more than your smile.  Choose the shade that’s close to your natural color, mix & apply. 

Available in:

Auburn Spice                Radiant Red    
Midnight Blaque            Natural Blonde 
Black Cherry                 Natural Brunette



Okay. I’m not sure why there’s a rose on the box. I guess it’s cuz our moms all told us to  protect our “flower”.  And the ad folks took the term seriously. Or maybe the stuff smells like roses. Or maybe, due to censorship laws, they weren’t allowed to show actual examples of the color like they do on the Miss Clairol Boxes.

That’d be something, huh? Being a pubic hair color model? What do you tell your friends? Your parents?! Your kids’ teacher?

You’re passing the hair color products aisle at the Walmart and you say, “Oh hey! Look! That’s me!” Or worse yet, someone you KNOW recognizes you from the picture on the box. Cuz you know, I heard they’re like snowflakes. No two are alike. MAYBE they should have put a snowflake on the box!

I don’t know what color Black Cherry is….but Randy the perfekt husband is in for a BIG SURPRISE!


FYI. Apparently health care professionals DO NOT recommend you do this yourself. If you should decide to,  CLICK THIS LINK at ABOUT.COM WOMEN’S HEALTH SECTION for step-by-step instructions.


FYI. has Gigi Colour Down There on sale for $5.98 a box. Just sayin’.

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Author: toni

~ 08/17/09


When I was having my baby, my friends Cathy, Sharon and Maureen put together a wonderful baby shower. I was surrounded by my loved ones. Everyone knew I was having a girl and that I was planning on naming her Julia, so the cake had her name on it and lovely little flowers as I recall.  The gifts were precious and sweet. There was cooing and oohing and whispers about the preciousness of mommyhood. It was all very lovely, full of class and did I mention loveliness? 

At no point during the course of the shower (or during my entire pregnancy for that matter) did any one of my mommy friends bother to mention THE NIGHTMARE I WAS ABOUT TO FACE! You mommies know what I’m talking about. The plugged ducts, sore nipples, endless crying, poops in every color of swamp mud and condiments AND every consistency known to man, mastitis, sleep deprivation and don’t forget those feelings of helplessness and hopelessness that you have no idea what you’re doing … all while trying to recuperate from a C-section sans Vicodin because EVERYTHING YOU CONSUME GOES RIGHT INTO YOUR BABY!

About a week into the nightmare that was initial motherhood, I asked my friend Cathy WHY THE HELL no one bothered to mention how frikkin’ hard it was all going to be. She said,” Please. You wouldn’t have wanted to hear it. Anyway, you’d never have believed it. You have to experience it for yourself.”

Apparently somebody named OLIVIA had some mommy friends who were a little more forthcoming about her not-too-distant future. Cuz this is the cake they gave her. (NOTE: Boobie and pube censorship for the squeamish). No flowers or butterflies or binkies with ribbons. This cake gets down and dirty about what’s to come. Well, except for the thighs. I mean, who has THOSE thighs after growing a human being for 9 months?


I gotta wonder if anyone “called” the “piece with the crowning head!”


NOTE: IDEA FOR EXTRA FUN. If any of you mommies are going to use this idea when you host your next baby shower, I suggest putting one of those little computer chips (like they have in musical greeting cards) in the cake cutter. So every time you CUT INTO the cake you hear the sounds of a WOMAN CURSING and SCREAMING and YELLING at her husband that it’s “ALL YOU’RE %$#@! FAULT” and to NEVER TOUCH HER AGAIN! You know, just for added fun.

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Author: toni

~ 08/16/09


Okay, Mommies! Start your engines! You’re about to race toward the finish line of summer! I don’t know about you, but in our neck of the woods, school starts this week.  

And after all my bitching, moaning, and anxiety about what in the heck I was gonna do with a 7 year-old for 74 days… Now that it’s over… I’m sad. Oh admit it. You are too. A little, at least?

Guilt alert! I know some of the sadness stems from the fact that I’ve been so sick the last few weeks and feel that I’ve missed out on so much time with her. Time I can never regain. 

Mamma Mia alert!  “What happened to those wonderful adventures? The places I had planned for us to go. Some of them we did but most we didn’t. And why I just don’t know.”

Yes. I can quote Bjorn and Borkenstromlederhosen or whatever those Abba guys names are. What are you gonna do about it?

Anyway, my focus now is on getting better. And after a week away from my website, I’m feeling strong enough to MAMMAKAZE again. I’m not back to 100% Super mommy mode. But I’m working on overcoming this kryptonite of the throat. Unfortunately, I still can’t speak above a whisper. Fortunately, I CAN speak with my fingers…on a computer keyboard. And as you know, I have LOTS TO SAY! 


This week on MAMMAKAZE:

1) Self-humiliation! I’ve been toying with today’s post for a while. Wondering if I really wanted to be so self-revelatory. But what the heck. I’ve choked within an inch of passing out. Everything else is a piece of coffee cake!

2) Uh, still working on the rest. You’ll give me that, right? I’ve been sick!


Thanks for coming. Please come back. And tell a friend.

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