Welcome to MOVIE MATH where we review a movie and see if it adds up to family fun.

SHORTS – To say this movie is one of the worst kid’s movies I’ve ever seen really isn’t strong enough. I would go as far as to say that this is one of the worst movies I’ve EVER seen. And that’s saying a lot given the fact that I’ve seen thousands of films. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING was bad about this movie. From the lame-o premise (kids find a rainbow-colored wishing rock that falls from space), to the directing, cinematography, editing, acting and even the really annoying and obvious music. And since there actually IS some talent in the film (WILLIAM H. MACY, JON CRYER, JAMES SPADER and LESLIE MANN) the bad acting can only be blamed on one person – ROBERT RODRIGUEZ, the writer, director, cinematographer, composer and editor. Now I wasn’t a huge fan of Rodriguez’s previous kiddie films (THE SPY KIDS movies) but those are works of art compared to this piece of dung.

This movie is a series of shorts that tell the stories of various kids who come in contact with a wishing rock. The ridiculous wishes they make turn an entire town upside down. That town BLACK FALLS is inhabited by employees who work for BLACK BOX UNLIMITED. It’s owner MR. BLACK (Spader) is the creator of the Black Box, a do-it-all gadget. Naturally, at one point the megalomaniacal Spader wants to get his hands on the wishing rock. Oh and there’s the subplot with the bickering parents/competitive co-workers (Cryer and Mann) who get melded into one person and irritate us with their inane dialogue. And another subplot involving a little girl bully named HELVETICA who daily stuffs the nerdy kid TOE into a trash can but actually secretly likes him. Throw in some bipedal alligators, tiny aliens, and a GIANT BOOGER that consumes things… and you have one mess of a bad movie. It’s so bad I’m hesitant to tell you that it’s (STILL PLAYING IN THEATERS).

FLABBERGASTED PARENTS + BORED KIDS + BAD PLOT + HECK, BAD EVERYTHING = STAY AWAY AT ALL COSTS