Yep. The experts have chimed in. And by experts they mean a bunch of geeky guys in lab coats who probably haven’t had a date since Roller Disco was the big fad.

The study from the Australian National University entitled “What’s Love Got to Do With It,” tracked nearly 2,500 couples — married or living together — from 2001 to 2007 to identify factors associated with those who remained together compared with those who divorced or separated.

Let’s see what they have to say. And see if they got it right.  By the way… none of it has to do with LOVE.

1) AGE -A husband who is 9 or more years older than his wife is TWICE as likely to get divorced – so are husbands who get married before they turn 25. 

Duh, if a guy gets married too young, he feels like he missed out on his youth. You know, strip clubs, picking up chicks in the bar at the Hyatt, waking up in strange hotel rooms in a puddle of his own sick. No one wants to get to the end of his life and say he didn’t do THAT.

Nine years isn’t THAT big a difference say, if a guy’s 35 and his wife is 26. Or even 36 and 45.  But 46 and 55? 56 and 65? 66 and 75? Now you’re talking shifting bed times. Shifting interests. Heck, even shifting body parts. It gets harder to keep up…and let’s face it…to keep it up.  Cialis doesn’t mix with angina medicine. Unless you’re, say, Michael Douglas and your bank account does all the keeping up for you – the marriage isn’t gonna last.  

2) KIDS BEFORE MARRIAGE – 1/5th of couples who have kids before marriage — either from a previous relationship or in the same relationship — separate compared to just 9 % of couples without children born before marriage.

That’s a no brainer. If it’s not your kid, you don’t have the emotional investment nor inclination to stay. In fact, when the kid does something awful and you say “You’d better talk to YOUR kid.”  or “Wait til I tell you what YOUR daughter did today” you’re being factual… not just laying blame for how the genes fell.

If it IS your kid and you had said kid BEFORE you got married, well then it’s likely you got married as a result of a “sense of obligation” or a shotgun.  Neither of which -you come to discover in restrospect- is a good motivation.

3) WANTING KIDS – Women who want children much more than their partners are also more likely to get a divorce.

Ah, kids. The deal breaker. Cuz you know what’s more compelling than a couple’s common interest in art, or their mutual love of weekends in Palm Springs, or the great sex they have together?  A WOMAN’S BIOLOGICAL CLOCK! When that sucker goes off, watch out! If you’re not willing to fork over some sperm, she’ll find someone who will, baby! Know what doesn’t work? A woman who says she doesn’t want kids just to get a guy to marry her in the hopes he’ll change his mind. Oh, he will change his mind. About the marriage.

4) PARENTS – A couple’s parents also have a role to play in their own relationship, with the study showing some 16 percent of men and women whose parents ever separated or divorced experienced marital separation themselves compared to 10 percent for those whose parents did not separate.

Monkey see monkey do. Further proof that you better think twice before letting your kid see you key that car that took your spot in front of the Starbucks.

5) Also, partners who are on their second or third marriage are 90 percent more likely to separate than spouses who are both in their first marriage.

Well, THAT makes sense. I mean, once you perfect something, it’s easier do do again and again. Like riding a bike. Or getting the triple sec-to-tequila ratio right on the margarita recipe.

6) Not surprisingly, money also plays a role, with up to 16 percent of respondents who indicated they were poor or where the husband — not the wife — was unemployed saying they had separated, compared with only nine percent of couples with healthy finances.

The idiot who said “money isn’t everything” was an idiot. Okay, maybe it’s not EVERYTHING. But it’s something. Especially if you don’t have it. Cuz you know what happens if you don’t have it? Stress. And those phone calls from those people at those call centers in India telling you in an accent that you better pay up or else.

7) And couples where one partner, and not the other, smokes are also more likely to have a relationship that ends in failure.

Ah, smoking. The OTHER deal breaker. Know why? Non-smokers are non-smokers for a reason…they HATE cigarettes and the fact that they give you lung cancer, even through secondhand smoke. Smokers are self-righteous and HATE anyone telling them they don’t have the right to smoke and to give themselves and others lung cancer. No amount of sex can compensate for this schism in philosophies. Especially cuz you know what happens AFTER sex… that’s right… smokers light up!

And there you have it. To all of which I proclaim a loud and resounding…DUH!  Next time these scientists want to know about what does and doesn’t keep a marriage together, they need to talk to me and my MAMMAKAZES. We’ll give them the lowdown and for a lot less than they spent on their study.