But being laid up with the chills and body aches won’t stop me from shopping. That’s because I have the internet and today is CYBER MONDAY! Oh, yeah. Cyber Monday, the Black Friday of Internet Shopping. Where you can get good deals (and very likely free shipping) without ever having to leave the comfort of your home. Or in my case, bed.

The irony is, if I had just stayed home and done all my shopping on the internet to begin with instead of going out on Black Friday, I might not have this dag-ratted flu to begin with. I’m convinced that’s when I got it. Then again, it might have been on The Day Before Thanksgiving Wednesday while shopping at Trader Joes. Or standing in the pie line at Marie Calendars on Thursday morning to get the chocolate cream pie for Randy the perfekt husband and his brother Roger.

I don’t know.

I do know, this H1N1 flu is not going to stop me from my doing my online holiday shopping. Not as long as I have a blanket, a cup of tea, my Tamilfu and a toilet within barfing distance. I’m good.

NOTE: And a quick reminder that if you’re shopping at AMAZON.COM, do it through this website as I get credit! Scroll to the AMAZON icon on the left margin and CLICK on it. It’ll take you to Amazon and you can order from there.

Thanks for your continued support and let the holidays begin!

MAMMAKAZES! Tomorrow is “T” Day. The day all the work and prep and stress will climax in a thirty minute orgy of gulttony. Sounds good to me! Can’t wait!

Oh come on. A perfectly fine turkey can be purchased at a deli. And Trader Joe’s makes fabulous appetizers. Besides, I will be making the stuffing and the sweet potatoes from scratch. And the bread, well, maybe it’s not from scratch but it IS one of those partially baked loaves that I have to pop in the oven. Do you know the impeccable timing that takes? I get some points for that.

Know what I get a LOT of points for? The following Thanksgiving themed cocktail. Oh yeah. It’s a Pumpkin Pie cocktail! What could be better? Nothing I say. Nothing! So ENJOY. And don’t overdo. Or do. What do I care? They’re not my thighs! 

PUMPKIN PIE COCKTAIL   

2 parts Absolut Vanilla vodka
1 part pumpkin schnapps
Splash of cream (or substitute a splash of orange juice)
Nutmeg

Prep: Shake all the ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice and strain into a martini glass. Garnish with nutmeg and cherry. Makes one serving.

The Chef
Kenneth McClure of The Carnegie Club, The Campbell Apartment, The World Bar, and The Patio

HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL!

And remember. Don’t feel guilt and drive.

WHAT THE—????? It never ceases to amaze me the capacity of kids to be cruel and stupid. But usually, since they are stupid they typically aren’t smart enough to be cruel. Usually they’ll just sit around being harmful to themselves. Unless they get inspiration.

Guess where they got the inspiration for this horrific behavior? If you said television, you’d be right. Specifically an episode of SOUTH PARK. Of course the irony is that SOUTH PARK was making fun of intolerance. But as I said, mean kids are usually pretty stupid. So they didn’t get the point of the show. Instead, they took it as a call to cruelty.

And just to make sure other kids “got the memo”, they posted it  on Facebook, reminding other kids of the “meaning” of the day and urging the assaults.

There isn’t enough prejudice in the world, kids have to find new people to hate? What is wrong with these children? How can they do this to other kids? I know, I know. Junior high age is typically the worst age. Middle school kids far exceed even high schoolers when it comes to inflicting pain and humiliation on fellow students. But really? Why? Is it to bolster their feelings of superiority? Is it the pack mentality, where those that are different or perceived as weaker are separated from the herd and relentlessly tormented? Are there outside influences that foster this behavior?

Now some parents (likely the parents of the bullies) are going to blame it all on SOUTH PARK. But I say BULL! First of all, I’m sick of this trend toward blaming one’s actions on everyone else. Take some freaking responsibility! This goes for parents as well as kids.

Second, while TV can give you ideas, it cannot force you to go out and behave in a certain way. Like when parents were all over Ozzy Osbourne for that “SUICIDE SOLUTION” song, saying it promoted suicide (which it really didn’t).  No one makes a person behave a certain way. They MUST have the capacity within them already.

The kids that perpetrated this Ginger Day violence HAD to have the capacity for violence. They HAD to be mean-spirited bullies to begin with, or they wouldn’t have done this. And while bullies may be inspired by TV shows, they are created at home.  Sculpted by the bullying loving hands of their parents.

No charges have been filed yet. But I’m a firm believer that there should be. At the very least these kids should all be suspended and made to go to counseling. And I suggest counseling because suggesting corporal punishment is very un-PC. Also, I don’t think it’s really the answer… correcting violent behavior with violent behavior. But they should lose all their electronic devices privileges. They should be grounded from Facebook. And they should be housebound and made to do chores for the rest of the school year.

But you know that’s not going to happen. You know what WILL happen? At least one of the bully kid’s parents will sue South Park. And the studio will settle to avoid a protracted court battle that will cost them more money in the long run. And the parents will use the money to buy those his and her matching ATVs and buy their kid the latest MacBook Pro and that  big screen TV they’ve been wanting for their bedroom.

Meanwhile, red-headed kids (and I’m talking to you too Carrot Top) will now have to remain on their guard. At least for the next 150 years, at which point experts tell us that due to the mixing of the populations, there will be no more redheads.

Yes, MAMMAKAZES. Countdown to turkey time. Time to clean, truss, stuff and whip up. And I’m just talking about myself.

In addition to the feeding frenzy, there’s the  shopping frenzy followed by the hitting the store for returns and to cash in your gift card frenzy. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.  But I’ll do it. Know why? It’s tradition. And what is life without tradition? Well, it’s a lot more relaxing and stress-free, that’s for sure. But then, it wouldn’t be the holidays without stress. And let’s be honest. I’d rather be stressed out about making sure my toilets are clean for company than whether or not I’ll die from the pox during the long, cold winter, like the Pilgrims.

For this I am thankful.

Okay. Here’s the deal. I read my daughter’s diary. I know. The ultimate violation! But she’s only 7! And I thought, what does she have to hide?

And guess what I found out? There’s a boy in her class who is picking on her.

She wrote,” I like school because I am good at math. I don’t like school because GEORGE (fake name) insults me.”

I told Randy the perfekt husband about it. Here’s how that went.

ME: There’s a boy in school who is picking on Julia.

RANDY: Mind your own business.

ME: But I don’t like the idea of a kid picking on her.

RANDY: What’d you think? She’d get through school without getting picked on? Everyone gets picked on. It’s how you get tough for life. Mind your own business.

Thanks, Dr. Spock for that insightful feedback. If only I’d adopted that attitude earlier, I could’ve saved lots of $$$ on the swimming lessons. We could have just THROWN HER into the deep end and forced her to sink or swim.

Okay. Maybe this situation isn’t exactly life or death. But I hear something like this and my inner mommy lioness wants to bare its fangs…and claws…and RIP something to shreds.

So now I turn to the REAL PROS out there…my MAMMAKAZES. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Should I say something to my daughter about this? If I do, she’ll know I read her diary. And I don’t want her to think I’m the kind of mom who snoops…even if I am. I mean, what’s more important, that she feel I trust her or that I box this boy in the ears for picking on my kid? And if I don’t say anything, can I assume she can handle it by herself? That she will become a stronger person for it? Or maybe pacify myself with weak self-assurances  that the boy “likes” her and that’s why he torments her? After all, I sported skinned knees all through third grade courtesy of Steve Vilisic who would come up behind me and push me to the ground and run off. Turned out it was his idea of courting. He probably has a restraining order against him today.

Anyway, I know it could be worse. It’s not like what I might find in her diary during the teenage years – like that she’s sneaking out at night and partying with her 23 year-old boyfriend who was just initiated into the Hell’s Angels. Or that she’s smoking cigarettes. Or has decided to become an actress. I mean. She’s just being insulted by another 7 year-old. And for all I know this means that’s he’s calling her “four-eyes”. She wears glasses.

Ah, the dilemma of trying to be a good mom in spite of having behaved like a bad mom. I’m pretty sure this was an after school special or featured on an episode of The Brady Bunch or Mr. Belvidere. But I’m too lazy to do a search on Youtube. So instead I’m asking you…

WHAT SHOULD I DO? WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Well, today’s the day! The day that the TWILIGHT sequel NEW MOON opens.

Oh admit it. A LOT of you MAMMAKAZES out there are total TwiHards. Yes, that protracted vampire foreplay lit isn’t just for 14 year-old girls. It’s also for lots of 30-something mommies who fantasize about EDWARD CULLEN sucking their…necks.  I get it. He’s hot. I’m a huge fan of those moody, pasty Brits who are borderline unhygienic. And that whole BAD BOY thing has always been a big appeal for us GOOD GIRLS. And what’s badder than a vampire? Or a cut stud muffin who can turn into a WEREWOLF?  

Yeah. I totally get it.

So in honor of today. And of the MAMMAS (cough, cough, Jennie) I know who pre-bought tickets weeks ago and are hitting the 10 am show (hey, they gotta be home by the time the kiddies get out of school) I present the cocktail of the week – THE VAMPIRE MARTINI.

This was sent in by one of Blunder Then Blender’s Biggest Fans – Carole. Although she admits she doesn’t touch vodka, Carole knows a good cocktail when she sees one. Thanks Carole.

Suck on this one, MAMMAKAZES!

VAMPIRE MARTINI  

1 ½ oz. Chilled vodka

1 ½ oz. Champagne

¾ oz. Black Raspberry Liqueur

Sugar

Red food coloring

PREPARATION: Rim a martini glass with sugar dipped in red food color. Pour vodka and half of black raspberry liqueur in martini glass. Top with champagne and pour the remaining black raspberry liqueur over the back of a spoon to make it float.

Courtesy of NocheLatina

ENJOY. AND REMEMBER. DON’T FEEL GUILT AND PARENT.