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Alltop, confirmation that I kick ass

Author: toni

~ 12/03/09

I don’t know about you, but this whole Tiger Woods cheating scandal has turned into a real hot button issue in our household between me and Randy the perfekt husband. Not since the whole BILL CLINTON/MONICA LEWINSKY thing has there been such “discussion” over the center island. (It’s always over the center island as that seems to be the physical divider that symbolically represents our philisophical divide).  

From the outset our feelings/opinions were clearly drawn along the male/female lines.

For example, when the allegations first came out – way back at the beginning before little was known – Randy refused to believe that Tiger was screwing around. He thought Tiger was too “straight-laced” and nerdy to stray.

EXACTLY! I retorted. The nerdier they are before they become famous, the more susceptible they are to those leggy, surgically enhanced women who wouldn’t in a million years have thought about jumping in bed with them if they weren’t rich and famous. I mean, look at the woman he married. Tall, Swedish, blonde… au pair. Okay, he didn’t go completely into supermodel territory. But I bet he would have, had he been less shy.

Guilty! I announced to Randy, being a believer of “where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” And I’ll bet there’s more than one.

Then the “facts” began trickling in. Facts that have come to include THREE MISTRESSES, a widely played phone message (ouch, that’s gotta be embarrassing) and what’s shaping up to be an all-out ballistic attack by his wife ELIN with a 3-iron, the casualties of which included their vestibule, an Escalade and Tiger himself.  

What a schmuck. “Sexting” his mistress on Thanksgiving weekend with his wife, kids, mom and mother-in-law in the house. Like Bill Clinton, I ask Tiger, for god’s sake, can you not keep it in your pants for one weekend?! (Well, with Clinton I thought after his near misses with Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones, he’d have the good sense to keep it in his pants for the duration of his term).

Turns out, they can’t keep it in their pants. Know why? It’s not the sex. It’s the power. They think they are above it all. They think they can have affairs with cocktail waitresses, and interns and that these young women aren’t going to run and tell their friends they’re screwing someone famous or keep their semen-stained dresses from the drycleaners. I mean, they have to believe this, right? Or they wouldn’t do it. Right?

When Elin Woods’ former boss Swedish golfer JESPER PARNEVIK came out and said that he hopes “Elin uses a driver next time instead of a 3-iron”, I told Randy “He’s probably screwed around on his wife, too.” To which Randy replied indignantly,” Oh, because Tiger cheated, that means EVERY guy cheats.”

See what I mean about hot button issue? It brings out the male/female “differences” on the topic of cheating. Naturally, I’m right. But it’s not worth getting into a huge arugment with my husband over. After all, we own three sets of golf clubs. And 3-irons are just too readily available.

Well, in the end, like I knew Tiger was cheating, I know Tiger will be forgiven. I don’t mean by his wife. I don’t know her state of mind… or prenup. I mean by the public. By his fans. The nerdy guys who tune in week after week to watch him hit that little ball and buy the putters and golf shirts with his name on them in the hopes of improving their swing. Know why? Because Tiger slept with attractive women.  

That’s right. Because the women he screwed around with…were hot. And every geeky guy in every locker room is imagining himself in Tiger’s place and saying… “Yeah, I’d hit that.”

See. This is my theory as to why Bill Clinton was so vilified. If he had pulled a JOHN KENNEDY and slept with someone like MARILYN MONROE, he would have been more easily forgiven for risking his presidency and the future of the Democratic Party in the next election.

But because he chose to risk it all for Monica Lewinsky (no offense to Ms. Lewinsky, but she’s no Giselle Bundchen) folks were furious! Especially guys. Especially guy Democrats. How could he risk everything… for her?! Yep. If Clinton had had an affair with Claudia Schiffer, Gore might have taken the next eight years.

And this is why Tiger will ultimately ride out this storm. He’ll profess his “humanness” and “weakness” (they all do) and ask for forgiveness (again, they all do). And his wife will probably stand by his side. Likely after he’s purchased a “house for her finger” like KOBE BRYANT did his wife VANESSA after getting caught in his indiscretion.

And his endorsements will miraculously reappear (if they ever disappear to begin with). And all will be right with the golfing world. And guys in yellow and green plaid polyester see-thru golf pants everywhere will high-five each other and wish they had his balls and driver.

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