For those of you who don’t have an urban dictionary handy, what I mean by that title is that the unsightly dimpled flesh that I take great pains to camouflage with jeans in the cool months and board shorts in the summer… is actually good for me.

Yeah. I couldn’t believe it either. It certainly doesn’t LOOK good. It’s horrific in fact. At least that is my perception as a result of decades of having it pounded into my head by such scientific publications as Cosmopolitan and the Victoria’s Secret catalog.

But just the other day LiveScience.com posted an article on how FATT BUTTS MAY BE HEALTHY. In fact, unlike the inner tube around the gut which is apparently very bad health-wise, the padding in the butt and thighs may actually even help prevent disease.

I’ve heard of it preventing sex but NEVER that it could prevent disease. Hmmm. Interesting.

Turns out, lower region fat is actually different from the fat that accumulates around the belly. Stomach fat is more “active” in a metabolic sense. And while I normally equate the word “active” with all things positive (and really, really taxing)  in this case, it isn’t. It means it breaks down more easily thus releasing substances called cytokines (no idea what that is) which have been linked to heart disease and diabetes (definitely heard of these).  

Butt and thigh fat, on the other hand, produces helpful hormones that protect against diseases. Aw, that’s so thoughtful. In a jiggly, cellulite-y kind of way. Well, they think it protects against diseases. They need more research to “firm up this expectation”. Yeah, they used those words. Even those brainy, science types can’t resist the puns about buns.

They go on to say that the fact that this butt fat is hard to lose is also a good thing because it keeps it from travelling to other organs like your liver. And really, who wants a fat liver? Not me. How unsightly! In fact, the only fat anything most women want is a fat lip and NOT from a bad boyfriend or poor balance resulting from lightheadedness brought on by crash dieting. We want Angelina Jolie fat lips. Preferably those that occur naturally in nature. And since they don’t, also acceptable from the tip of a needle courtesy of your dermatologist.

I guess the bottom line (see, even we mommy bloggers can’t avoid bun puns) is that “if you have to gain fat, the butt is where it should settle at”. I know. Bad grammar. But I went for the rhyme. Me and Johnnie Cochran. Know why? Cuz I’m feeling pretty cocky and full of myself at the moment, knowing I can have that goat cheese appetizer from Trader Joe’s and still expect to live a long, healthy, albeit “pencil skirt challenged” life.

So you ladies with the loaded trunks, be proud of the junk you’re carrying in there. Because much like tire chains, that junk in your trunk could one day save your life.