Okay, I have to admit that I am neither a reader of Playboy nor US Magazine and the extent of my sports knowledge is limited to what I can hear Randy the perfekt husband screaming at the downstairs TV while I’m upstairs trying to ignore him.

So it will come as no surprise to you that I have almost no idea who KENDRA WILKINSON is (apparently a former Playboy centerfold) nor that she recently had a baby with some guy named HANK BASSETT who plays some position on some pro football team (apparently the Indianapolis Colts) .  

Anyway, it has come to my attention thanks to MAMMAKAZE Erin (who curiously is uber-irritated by the same irritants as I)  that this former playmate and her pregnancy have been an ongoing source of news and cover stories for US Magazine.

And now that I have read their recent article, I have to say, I’m really annoyed with this surgically enhanced blow up doll’s woman’s comments about her post-pregnancy body and life:

 

“I had my friends over, and it was bad timing,” Kendra, 24, tells Us. “They were really hot and had really nice bodies,” she says of her visitors, which included former Girls Next Door costar Holly Madison and Playboy model Tiffany Fallon.

“I was just hoping Hank didn’t look at them! Having a different body was such a culture shock. I’m so used to being hot and fit.” Although “it wasn’t that extreme,” the reality star says, “I did go through some depression.”

 

Wow. I can’t even begin to tell you in how many ways I DON’T relate to this woman. First of all, I have never been featured naked before men with staples in my belly. Well, unless you include the time on the operating table right after my C-Section.

But is she kidding me?! Having a baby is a CULTURE SHOCK?!  A CULTURE SHOCK! Why? Post-partum did she become like that guy in District 9 who suddenly started turning into one of the aliens – so she found herself shedding her exoskeleton and craving cat food ?

Uh, Kendra. Newflash. According to Wikipedia:

 

Culture shock refers to the anxiety and feelings (of surprise, disorientation, uncertainty, confusion, etc.) felt when people have to operate within a different and unknown culture such as one may encounter in a foreign country. It grows out of the difficulties in assimilating the new culture, causing difficulty in knowing what is appropriate and what is not. This is often combined with a dislike for or even disgust (moral or aesthetical) with certain aspects of the new or different culture.

 

Oh wait.

Uh, now that I re-read that… Maybe Kendra isn’t so far off. Because really, when you think about it, being a new mom is well, like turning into an alien life form. Your body morphs and develops a mind of it’s own. I mean, your breasts shoot milk at the sound of a human cry! 

And truly, it’s a whole culture all unto itself, complete with its own language (binkie, plugged ducts, colostrum) and bizarro customs (hooking breasts up to machines, crying at toilet paper commercials, obessively poking sleeping infants to make sure they’re still breathing). 

And any new mom with an ounce of honesty will tell you that during those first few weeks… it’s not so fun. In fact, there is a lot of resentment. A lot of “what the heck did I do with my life and do I know any adoption attorneys?”

Of course it gets better… usually around the time that the baby starts sleeping through the night (which, admit it, they would do a whole LOT sooner if you didn’t keep poking them awake because they scare the bejeezus out of you with all those SIDS pamphlets at the hospital).

But even after a routine is established and the family resumes a regular sleep cycle. Things are still different. You’re a mom now and the world you knew is gone. But you’re in a new world. A new culture, one could even say.  Because everything is different and let’s face it you’re different too.

And like anyone who comes from a different culture, you seek out those people who are like you. In this case, lactating, hormone-driven, obsessive worriers with whom you can relate and can relate right back at you.  And I gotta say, my mommy friends, they’re a pretty cool bunch.

And while I’m still not convinced this Kendra woman knew what she was saying when she said she suffered “culture shock” after having her baby,  I think she may be on to something.  Albeit inadvertently.

Kendra, if you read this – which you likely won’t because you don’t know who the heck I am either – I predict that unless Holly and Tiffany and Bambi (or whatever those playmate’s names are) have babies soon, you will find those friendships fading away. Because suddenly tales of wild weekends at TAO in Vegas will hold less interest for you than the first time your baby rolled over or said “Mamma”.

Kendra. Welcome to my world culture.

 

CORRECTION: Thanks to my guy readers (Kevin and Ken) I have been informed that Kendra WAS NOT a centerfold but merely one of Hef’s many girlfriends. Turns out, while I never had the tight, hot bod, I DO have that whole “staples in my naked belly thing on her”. Take THAT, Kendra.