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Author: toni

~ 04/20/10


I don’t know about you, but I am always looking for fun things to entertain my kid. And if it can be a learning experience, all the better.

So when MAMMAKAZE Bruce sent in this little physiological bit, I showed it to Julia. Well, it passed the kid test and she was sooo delighted. And it has since delighted several of her friends. Also, it frustrated her dad who was determined to overcome the wiring of his brain but wasn’t able to.

Let’s see if you can. So, try this. It takes 2 seconds and it is absolutely true. It is from an orthopedic surgeon.   




1. While sitting in a chair, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number ‘6’ in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction! 



Isn’t that crazy? Apparently, there are some things that the brain cannot handle.  You know, besides the clearance shoe rack at Macy’s and the steady application of eyeliner.

Author: toni

~ 04/19/10


Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Randy the perfekt husband’s brush with death. That’s right, one year ago on April 18th Randy, Julia and I were hiking together as we did regularly when Randy fell into a nest of rattlesnakes and was bitten… by a baby rattler, no less. The most venomous kind!

I wrote about the whole thing in THIS POST and made a lot of fun of a very serious situation. Because, you know, it’s my way to be snarky and sarcastic. Some might say it’s a coping mechanism. Me, I just think I’m naturally snarky and sarcastic.

But I would like to take time during this one year anniversary to be a little less sarcastic and more serious about the whole thing. Because truthfully, if the stars hadn’t aligned that day, Randy might not be here at all. And Julia and I… well, I can’t even imagine it. Actually, I can imagine it because in addition to being snarky and sarcastic I’ve got a serious “doom and gloom” thing happening. But that’s my little dark place and I’ll spare you.

Looking back, we were soooo lucky that day. Well, except for the whole life-threatening rattlesnake bite, several day ICU stay and $300,000 medical bill part. But other than that, a lot of things happened that worked in our favor (not the least of which was being insured).

For example, Julia and I had just seen an episode about the Western Diamondback Rattlesnake on the Discovery Channel so we knew EXACTLY what to do in the case of a rattlesnake bite! Otherwise Randy would have tied off his leg, tried to run to the car and likely have ended up like the other two rattlesnake bite victims who were in the ICU with him – both of whom had made just those mistakes. One guy’s arm was consumed by the venom. The other guy’s leg and kidney were consumed. Both were battling to keep their limbs. They went into the hospital BEFORE Randy and were still there when Randy left. So we never knew what became of them. But I hope they are okay.

We were also fortunate that we weren’t further up the 6 mile hiking trail into the narrow canyon and were still on the fire road so that the ambulance was able to drive right up to Randy. AND that I had been laying off the chips and was able to RUN the 1.5 miles to the parking lot at record speed in the heat so I could show the paramedics exactly where he was. Lucky, too that the hospital was so close, had a ton of experience with rattlesnake bites AND had antivenom in stock. Although we could have done without the joke by the admission person that Randy had to sign the paperwork quickly, before he lost the use of his limbs. ER humor apparently. I’ve seen it on NURSE JACKIE.

Most of all we’re very lucky to have a strong, amazing, cool-under-fire guy like Randy, who handled the whole thing calmly which kept the venom from circulating quickly into his system.  Me, with my penchant for hysteria, I would have been a goner before punching the second 1 in 9-1-1.

Miraculously, Randy is the only rattlesnake bite victim in over 200 whom his hematologist has treated who didn’t have necrosis at the bite sight and didn’t have to have multiple skin grafts. What an immune system, dude! I hope you passed that on to Julia. Not because she’ll ever come into contact with a rattlesnake given that she’s sworn off hiking since that day. But it would make me feel better about that whole “inability to take criticism” thing, which she TOTALLY got from me.

Bottom line… one year later, Randy’s doing really well. Despite the damage the venom did to his whole body, he has bounced back wonderfully. He has been symptom-free for two months now. His last blood test was good. I think he has only one more to go before the docs give him the “all clear”.

And for all the snarky, silly and sarcastic jokes I have made about the whole ordeal, deep down inside I am nothing but grateful that it has all turned out so well. Because I can’t imagine my life without him. He is the love of my life. The world’s best father. And the one who gave me my favorite memory of the moon.

Happy Near Death Experience Anniversary, honey! Julia and I love you sooooo much. Thanks for being so tough!


NOTE: For those who are curious…no, Randy can’t speak parseltongue now and yes, his CHEST HAIR has grown back in very nicely, thank you very much.

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Author: toni

~ 04/15/10


To quote Chris Isaak if he had a uterus and had given birth, Mommy did a bad, bad thing.

I downloaded a song marked EXPLICIT onto my daughter’s iPod. I know. You perfekt mommies are yelling for blood! For me to be drawn and quartered. But know that I did not make this decision lightly.

See, Julia and I share an iPod. It’s actually hers, a gift from her dad for some stellar academic achievement or other.  I know, you’re thinking, what the heck can an 8 year-old do to deserve a $150 gift when it’s not even Christmas – complete her PhD? I asked the same thing because all I got when I came home with straight A’s was an order to set the table for dinner. So lemme tell you, there was some heated discussion between Randy the perfekt husband and me about who is truly the bigger spoiler in our house. But that’s for another post.

Right now, the issue at hand is the game of Russian Roulette I’m playing by having a song featuring the F bomb available to my daughter…. should she happen to find it. 

As I was saying, we share an iPod because she’s never gonna use up all that memory – even if she downloaded every Kidz Bop CD in the world, which she won’t because she’s soooo over them. It’s Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber now…singing with Ludacris! What the, what the?!? Who the heck thought of that?!

But I digress… AGAIN! The point is we never need the iPod at the same time. I’m on the computer most of the day, so if I want to hear my playlist I’ll just open iTunes and listen from there. And the only other time I use it is when I exercise and I always do that when she’s at school.

So you see, there is no need to have two iPods. Unless of course, mommy’s downloaded some songs with naughty lyrics.

But what was I gonna do? See, there’s this Staind song called “It’s Been a While” that’s one of my all time favorites. I wanted it on my playlist. So I went to the iTunes store and found it. Or rather, found them. The two versions. One edited and one marked EXPLICIT.

As I was about to hit the BUY button, a debate raged in my soul between my inner mommy that wants what’s right for my kid and my inner artist that is a true believer in freedom from censorship! Frankly, I was a little surprised that latter part was even still there.

See, that part of me has been terribly repressed since I’ve become a mom. I’ve done nothing BUT censor myself since bringing a child into my world. No more horror films. No more late night, swinging from the chandelier (or ceiling fan to be suburbia accurate) loud monkey loving. Not even the occasional sh*# when I stub my toe on that stupid sleigh bed. (Who designed that foot hazard anyway? If you’re reading, my three broken toes HATE you!)

Ultimately, I don’t know what it was. My excitement at finding out I still had a rebellious streak. Or maybe the frustration that I had put so much of who I am on the back burner for so long for my kid.

Oh, okay. I’ll admit it! It wasn’t either of those. It was the fact that both versions were $1.29! I mean, they’re asking the SAME PRICE for a version that’s missing some of its original lyrics?!  Hello? If I bought a puzzle at Toys R Us and there were missing pieces, I’d expect a discount! But noooooo. iTunes wanted FULL PRICE for what was essentially, a defective version.  Well, poop on that. If some parts of myself have regressed since becoming a mommy, at least I’ve honed my shopping skills to perfection. And I will not overpay for anything.

So, I did it. I clicked to BUY the EXPLICIT version.

My heart pounded as I watched it download. And I quickly and covertly added it to my playlist, feeling pretty confident that Julia would never venture near it. Well, unless of course there might be something on there that piques her interest. Like that big fat “EXPLICIT” that follows the title of the song. Dang it! Ugh. There I go censoring myself again. Aaaarrrrgh!

Okay. I’m thinking an iPod would make a very nice Mother’s Day present.

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Author: toni

~ 04/12/10


As Gilda Radner once said “it’s always something”. This week, the flu. And for those of you who are keeping track, yes, it’s the second time we’ve been hit this season. Ironic since we all had the seasonal flu AND the H1N1 vaccines. Which leads me to ask WHAT WAS THE POINT?

Well, like one of my docs once said to me, ” It’s not the SCIENCE of medicine, it’s the ART of medicine.” I guess it was his fancy way of saying “nobody knows anything”.  Not exactly comforting, true, but I found it refreshingly honest.

Anyway, no post today. But I’m working on one I’m calling, “Are women really stronger when they’re sick, or do they HAVE to be?”  Cuz you notice how, even if you’re running a 103 degree temp and want nothing more than to be under blankets being taken care of, you’re taking care of everyone else in the family? Nature or necessity? Hmmm.

Meanwhile, enjoy this old ad about Bayer aspirin. Laugh at the unbelievably neat sick kid’s room, the super put-together mother, the supposedly “child-proof” lid on the aspirin bottle and the fact that that little 5 year old boy is wandering the neighborhood unsupervised (none of which fits into today’s mommy reality).

But remember, don’t give your kid aspirin when they have the flu. Stick to Tylenol or Motrin, it’s safer. And don’t forget that you can alternate these to keep the fever down and ensure that you’re not overdosing your kid on either med.

Here’s hoping this late season flu doesn’t get you and yours. Now, back to my bed-ridden husband.




NOTE: Click on my PINK LINKS above for further info on the subjects.  Or CLICK HERE for a website on how to handle your kid’s flu.

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Author: toni

~ 04/09/10


It’s Spring Break and as is our usual custom, Randy the Perfekt husband and I took Julia to Disneyland. And while we love a lot about Disneyland, whenever you jam a sea of humanity into a limited space, there’s gonna be issues.



  1. That your feet will get stepped on a minimum of 32 times (mostly by your own kid)
  2. The hand rail in the line at the Winnie the Pooh ride will be sporting some kind of sticky stuff that you don’t even want to know the origins of.
  3. Regret over telling your husband the secret of the hidden Z’s in the dark tunnel ceiling at the Buzz Lightyear ride. Does he have to beat me at EVERYTHING?
  4. Tram line = hell
  5. You will see at least 10 people in wheelchairs that you are pretty sure are faking it in order to get on the rides faster.
  6. A sea of tattoos and Ed Hardy T-shirts.
  7. Kids you can peg as future residents of San Quentin.
  8. Cut-sies – and not just by kids.
  9. More people eating gigantic turkey legs than you’d see in an episode of The Tudors.
  10. A mom washing her kid’s poopie bottom in the hand washing sink.


Hope you’re having a lovely spring break!


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Author: toni

~ 04/06/10


Yeah, yeah. I’m not posting regularly again this week. So sue me.

It’s spring break and my kid who normally requires most of my attention, is requiring ALL of my attention. And Randy the prefekt husband is off too. So we’re getting to spend some quality family time, which almost never happens since he has one of those jobs and commutes that reduces us to being ships that pass in the night. And by passing I mean, he says “hello” as he turns on the TV and I say “hey” as I roll over to go to sleep. Now, THAT’S entertainment. This week, we actually get to interact for more than a few minutes at a time. Well, if I get off the computer we will.

So that’s what I’m gonna do. So I may or may not post. Depends where the week takes me. And I know some of that week includes Disneyland (it’s 2fer time for So. Cal residents!),  goofy golf and a day trip to Santa Barbara.

Here’s hoping all you MAMMAKAZES out there have a wonderful spring break filled with family time and (if you’re lucky and there’s a playdate involved at some other kid’s house) a little nooky too. A girl can dream, can’t she?

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