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Author: toni

~ 05/02/10

Here at MAMMAKAZE we’re all about helping marriages (in addition to getting you over all that mommy guilt you’re carrying and providing yummy recipes for cocktails).

So check out the following ad for a marriage saving blanket. I’m not sure who invented it. I suspect those guys who created that amazing Snuggie, or the Chia Pet.

Now I’m not pointing fingers. I definitely don’t think it’s always the men who have this problem. I’m just sayin’, if you do, and that BEANO isn’t working, might want to invest in one of these babies.

Now if only there was something that would eradicate snoring. And blanket hogging.  Oh and ESPN. Can anyone do anything about THAT? Surely there’s a guy at a Radio Shack somewhere who has the perfect inexpensive solution. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

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Author: toni

~ 04/26/10


Dog maulings, pool drownings and being left in hot cars. Three completely avoidable tragedies that happen to children every year.

MAMMAKAZE Trudy pointed out the latest hot car tragedy. It happened in Antioch, California. A 7 month-old girl died after being left in the car all night and for much of the next day.

The parents (mid-20s) left the baby in her rear-facing car seat after returning home at night from doing laundry at a relative’s house. Each thought the other had taken the baby into the house.  

It wasn’t until 2pm the next afternoon when the mother awoke that she discovered the baby wasn’t in her crib. She frantically called her husband who was at the gym. He rushed out and looked in the car. The baby was there but by then it was too late.

2 PM THE NEXT AFTERNOON?!  Okay, I gotta ask. How does a mother not notice her 7 month-old child is missing for 14 hours?  I mean, kids that age need to eat and be changed every few hours right? They fuss, they cry, they require attention.  And as a mother your instinct is to be in constant contact with them, right?

Okay. I know exhaustion was a factor. Apparently both parents were working two jobs. And they also had a 2 year old. That’s rough. I personally remember being soooo tired after Julia was born I couldn’t count my toes without losing track. And I wasn’t working 2 jobs nor did I have a second child to run around after.

So I won’t go off any more on these parents. I know they didn’t mean to do it. I know they’re devastated.  And they will live with the guilt of their mistake for the rest of their lives. I can’t even imagine their pain.

But there are things that parents can do to avoid this kind of tragedy. The first of which is to stop thinking it can’t happen to you. Because (except for the occasional selfish moron who leaves his kid in the car so he can get drunk at a strip club)  this sort of tragedy has occured in all age groups, all levels of education and income. The common denominators: exhaustion and change of routine.

Also, don’t think you have to live in a hot climate for this to be a danger. The temperature topped out at 78 degrees in this tragedy. But the inside of the car got up to 110 degrees.

So if you have a small child, add the following to your list of ways to protect your child which include outlet plugs and those bumpers for your coffee table.



1. Keep a stuffed animal in the car seat and place it in the front seat to remind you that there is a child in the back.

2. Put something in the back that requires you to open the back door every time you park – like a purse or lunch bag.

3. Ask your childcare provider to call you right away if the child hasn’t arrived at the normal time.


Bottom line…As parents it’s our responsibility to do everything to protect our children. Nothing is too extreme where the safety of our kids is concerned.

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Author: toni

~ 02/19/10


In what was more of a hushed tone than a roar, Tiger finally made his MEA CULPA to the public, his sponsors and his wife and family.

Here’s what he said:


Oh, pardon me. Actually, that’s not what he said. It’s what I heard. Know why? Because it all smelled of contrived, overly prepared, self-serving bull$#@! written by high paid handlers and spin doctors who are trying to repair an image and career that’s all about, you guessed it, $$$$$.

I mean, is any woman out there buying this whole sex addiction baloney? It’s the new excuse of the rich and famous for bad behavior. Nobody takes responsibility for just being a thoughtless human being anymore. No, it’s not poor judgement! It’s an addiction. Poor baby.

Well this is one MAMMAKAZE who ain’t buying it. Well, I do buy that he’s sorry…that he got caught. And you know what, none of this would have been a big deal if he wasn’t using his family to sell his image and make money. But he did. His mistake.

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Author: toni

~ 01/05/10


Well, isn’t this a fine way to bring in the NEW YEAR?

In the category of “idiotic parenting that makes me feel less guilty about my own parenting skills” a Georgia woman and her boyfriend were charged with tattooing their 6 underage children (ages 10, 11, 11, 12, 15 & 17) some of them his, some hers.  And they did it using a homemade tattoo gun that featured an ink pen barrel, a motorized device, a sharpened guitar string and bottle of ink. Ingenius. They’re like the Leonardo da Vincis of the South. 

Uh. You needn’t bother to ask if it was sterilized because I’m sure you know the answer.

Check out the video below for the Mother’s “shocked” response to the overreaction of law enforcement officials who arrested her after the REAL MOTHER of two of the children saw the tattoos.


That’s right. While most of us parents strongly discourage our kids from getting tattoos (and hepatitis) these morons did it to their kids themselves. And I don’t even want to know what the “black cross” is supposed to symbolize.

Sorry Patty “Jo Jo” Marsh. But we at MAMMAKAZE don’t feel this has been, as you say, “blowed up so big”. In fact, if we had our way, in addition to charging you and your bozo boyfriend with illegal tattooing, cruelty to children and reckless conduct, we’d also throw in an improper grammar charge.

Count yourself lucky you aren’t in my court, lady!

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Author: toni

~ 12/18/09


The details of this story are soooo bizarre that they almost make you laugh… if it wasn’t so sad.

A 4 year old-Tennessee boy broke through a child safety knob, got out of his grandparent’s house in the middle of the night. And while drinking a beer he got from home, broke into a neighbor’s house (through an unlocked door) stole five Christmas presents. One was a girl’s dress, which he put on.

Police found him wandering the streets, wearing the dress and with a beer can in hand.

His 21 year-old mother (yes, that means she was 17 when she had him) says he was purposely trying to get into trouble so he could go to jail to be with his father. Yes, that’s right. His dad is in prison. What a surprise.

Then the mother proceeds to say:

“Kids do things like this. It’s out of your control. You can only do your best as a mother.”

I don’t know about you, but I don’t know too many 4 year-olds to whom it would occur to commit such crimes. And I LOVE how she says it’s out of her control. I guess it was out of her control to use birth control too.

She should take some freaking responsibility! Oh, but I forgot. No one’s responsible for anything anymore. It’s always someone else’s fault.

This poor kid seems doomed to me. Now this is a mom who SHOULD FEEL GUILTY.

(NOTE to my friend J: Sneaking a peek at a present doesn’t seem like such a CRIME after watching this video, does it?)

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Author: toni

~ 09/21/09


So yesterday, Randy the perfekt husband and I took Julia to the 3-D movie CLOUDY WITH THE CHANCE OF MEATBALLS. Saying Julia was excited about seeing this film is putting it mildly. She’s been talking about it since she saw the trailers. Part of the frenzy also had to do with the carefully plotted and highly manipulative campaign by Nickelodeon to repeatedly show MIRANDA COSGROVE’s video of the movie’s theme song “RAINING SUNSHINE” between every episode of Spongebob Squarepants and iCarly.

So, by the time we stood in line to get the tickets, Julia was practically frothing at the mouth whilst singing,” It’s raining Sunshine, All over mankind.” Scintillating lyrics, indeed. But at least it wasn’t PINK singing yet another song about the joys of binge alcohol consumption.

Anyhoo, foreseeing the madness that the movie was going to beget (there was no other family film last weekend and we parents are always desperate in this area) we bought our tickets in the morning for the 2:25 pm show.

After Randy came back from the golf course, we stopped for a quick lunch at the Red Robin and then, realizing it was getting close to showtime, rushed over to the theater.

We arrived at 2 pm. Coincidentally at the same time as a little girl (I’ll call her JANE) formerly of Julia’s dance class, and Jane’s FATHER and her LITTLE SISTER. We exchanged “hellos” as we had our tickets torn and walked down the hall toward the movie theater in step with one another.

We turned the corner to be greeted with the longest line I’ve seen since those pictures of the bread lines during the Great Depression. And that’s when I got depressed as I realized we were WAAAAAY back at the line and were unlikely to get choice seats. Still, believers of the ancient tribal law of yore “first come, first serve”, we took our place at the back of the line and waited to be let in. There were some stragglers who got in line behind us, but I didn’t see Jane and her family anywhere near us in line.

Had they seen the line and given up, opting to trade in their tickets for a later show and better seats, I wondered? Probably.

And then, just as the teenaged pimply faced USHER retracted the rope to let the line in, I spotted them. They were hovering at the front of the theater door.

NO! They couldn’t possibly be doing what I thought they were doing! And then sure enough…. THEY CUT IN LINE!

Once the line started into the theater, I saw Jane’s DAD take her and her sister by the hand and quickly, stealthily, SLITHER his way into the crowd, disappearing into the theater.

And what was worse, Julia saw it too!

JULIA: Hey! How come Jane got to go into the theater before us?

ME: Because her dad is a rude, pushy slimeball who obviously hasn’t heard of that other ancient tribal law of yore… NO CUTSIES!

Okay. I didn’t say that, I just WANTED to say it. Instead, I just took Julia’s hand and we made our way into the theater…when it was our turn, I might add.

And sure enough, the only seats left were front row, corner. And I don’t know about you, but I CAN’T do front row, corner at a movie. Particularly in Michael Bey movies or ones where giant food is going to come out of the screen at me.


ME: I’m sorry sweetie. We’ll have to give the tickets back. We can’t stay for the movie.

Julia’s face fell. She was utterly heartbroken in the way that only 7 year-olds who haven’t truly experienced heartbreak can be.

JULIA: But Jane is staying!


She pointed and I spotted THEM! Jane, her dad and sister, sitting in the middle seat, in the middle row of the theater. THE PERFECT SEATS. Ill-gotten perfect seats.

Okay. Now I know there are worse things in the world. Seriously, on the scale of travesties and injustices, this is way below say, some woman in Yemen getting stoned to death for speaking up to her husband. Or adoption brokers kidnapping babies from Chinese families to place into western homes for a fee.

And normally, I wouldn’t have made such a big deal out of it.  But the matter was made worse by the fact that we KNEW these people. That Julia had SEEN it happen. And the fact that she was not going to get to see the movie because we did what we were supposed to do.

So what did I do? Well, what would any respectable mom do? I told on them.

Actually, first I turned the whole situation into a life lesson by discussing it with Julia on the way home. I told her how wrong it was. Then I made sure that she undertsood that it wasn’t Jane’s fault, but her Father’s. That it was he who showed poor judgement. And that he was a poor example to his kids. And how she should never do that.

THEN, I told on them. I called Jane’s mom when I got home and told her the whole thing. And said that I didn’t appreciate what her husband did and that it put me in a tough position having to explain it all to Julia.

She thought I was crazy and weird. She didn’t say it in so many words, but I could tell by the tone she took with me which was similar to the tone you’d take with an ax-wielding madman. Very pacifying and like you’re talking to child.

And when I got off the phone I realized I probably hadn’t solved anything. If anything, I created an awkward situation when we see them at the next recital. But you know what, I don’t care. I’m sick of rude people who feel entitled and think they can do anything they want to get their way!

Randy the perfekt husband thinks I shouldn’t be so surprised. He is a cynic who thinks much of the world is like this. AND that in fact, such people often get ahead in life.

He’s probably right. But that doesn’t mean my kid has to be that way. Or that I should keep my mouth shut about it. So, I’ll continue to embarrass the family by yelling at the a-hole who parks in the handicapped spot to get their take-out. Or the nimrod who throws his empty cigarette pack out his window on the street. Or, yes, the dad who cuts in line at the movie theater.

It’s just who I am.

In the end, we took Julia to a later show. She didn’t like the movie. Go figure.




Note: For a book to help teach your kid (or some adults) a lesson about line fairness click on the following title CUTTING IN LINE ISN’T FAIR   available at Amazon.

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